The Ladies Man: The Ass Grabbing Incident

In high school, weird and freaky girls loved me. I don’t know why. Could it have been the three piercings in my left ear, my longish hairstyle, my adept ability to feign interest and act like I’m interested or was it something else all together? I have no clue but the fact is, I was a freak magnet. Lucky for me, I now have this little gold band which scares off all but the most determined freak, confused young man or high priced streetwalker. It was my senior year and I was coming out of a bad relationship, stage three clinger with a bad case of who’s my baby’s daddy drama – had I played my cards right you could have seen me on Maury! It took a long time to actually cut all ties with PsychoGirl, any of you who’ve dated psychos know it’s not easy. That whole ordeal is another story, one that I’m not quiet ready to write. It's a little too personal. This story is about a run in with one of her friends. After the break up with PsychoGirl, I was pursued by a few of her friends. I really wasn’t anything special in high school [not a passive aggressive attempt to solicit comments on how great I was]; sure I had a car, job and some money but that’s pretty much it and I lacked all but the most basic social skills when it came to girls. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t around yet, after I broke up with PsychoGirl I was like that dude in the grocery store shopping for that body spray. In my case, they weren’t all attractive fillies who were throwing themselves at me. About three were but the rest were hideous trolls and lepers. Most of PsychoGirl’s friends, much like her, were a rung or two down the evolutionary ladder. Needless to say, none of them were my type but that didn’t stop them… it never stops them! On this day, lunch period had just ended and I was walking with my friend Jay to our English class. [Rusty Blossom was the best English teacher. Period.] As we walked, we were bullshitting about something and I was more in tune with the conversation than what was happening around me. We had just come to the mural before the cosmetology shop when something unexpectedly pinched my ass! It wasn’t either cheek but a mere millimeter or two to the right of the ol’ rosebud! I yelped and swatted behind me, turning around as I did. Like my father’s hero, Forest Gump, I honestly thought something had bitten my buttocks. When I swatted, my hand connected with a trollish girl’s hand and for a brief moment, we were holding hands. When I realized what happened, I immediately let her go. It took a couple of seconds to process the situation; I’m slow like that. Inexperienced with being the recipient of an ass pinch and in shock, our eyes met and a beaming smile grew on her blushing face as she looked at me. Oh, boy. Uncomfortably out of my element, I returned an insincere half smile, turned around then double-timed it the hell out of there. Jay caught up with me as I just rounded the corner. I explained to him what had happened, even though I’m pretty sure he witnessed at least part of it. Of course, he laughed. He laughed his ass off. He loved the fact I was a freak magnet. “Dude, it’s not funny! She pinched my friggn’ asshole!” My plea to stop laughing only brought tears to his eyes as he laughed even harder. I have yet to live down the day I was groped in that hallway. I managed to successfully avoid future contacts with her. But there were still other girls to contend with. Many more girls. Oh well, we’ve all been there, right? RIGHT?