The Best of...

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." For the final post I wanted to share the posts I thought were the best here. If you have some favorites, post them in the comments. Thanks again for reading. You can keep this domain book marked, it will eventually be redirected to the new site. Peace and love.

Just doing my part (Bird Flu), posted November 14, 2005 You ate what? (My Sushi Experience), posted November 15, 2005 The war hits home, posted December 17, 2005 The adventures of a habitual traffic offender - parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, posted Jan '06 And so there I was, posted January 03, 2006 Honor among thieves, posted January 10, 2006 This is why I don't call the helpdesk, posted February 10, 2006 Lunch is served and its Mike's Mac, posted February 19, 2006 No good deed goes unpunished, posted February 26, 2006 It's a crappy story, posted February 27, 2006 Bickford Closing Stories - parts 1, 2, 3, 4 <- People dig pt. 4 Why lie... I need a pie, posted March 17, 2006 How have we come to this pass, posted May 25, 2006 The Ladies Man: The Ass Grabbing Incident, posted July 19, 2006

Oh, you're still here?

I know I said this site was dead but I've posted, including this one, three additional posts since. I haven't worked on the new site because I've been out of it most of this week due to, yet again, a horrible poison ivy rash. On 09/10, I decided that the lawn could use a good wacking. So I donned some shorts and slipped on some open-toed sandals. I figured I’d be fine, just go inside and wash with special anti-poison ivy soap I was conned into buying. I had a 15-minute window, so they said. The spinning head of the weedwacker indiscriminately chewed up the over grown grass (and poison ivy) and spit out the shreds, most of which covered my legs and fell on the exposed flesh of my feet. Yadda yadda yadda… I’m on a hefty script of prednisone. Hooray for me! I tried to treat it without going to see the Doc but that wasn't the smartest of choices. I'll be signing over power of attorney to my wife, I'm obviously incapable of caring for myself or making the correct choices for... ANYTHING! First bad decision: wearing shorts and sandals to weedwack. Second bad decision: weedwacking the area poison ivy is known to grow. Third bad decision: believing I really had a 15-minute window to wash the affected area before the outbreak would be absolute. Fouth bad decision: looking up alternate treatments on the Internets to avoid calling the doctor. The OTC antihistamine have totally kept me in a groggy state. Maybe I'll post some pictures of my feet. Maybe if my aunt had a mustache I'd call her my uncle. Who knows. Lots of love, -Mike UPDATE: Decided against the posting of the pictures of the outbreak. While at a wedding one of my lady friends was looking at the pictures I took of the wedding and accidently stumbled on to a picture of my foot. Her reaction pretty much sealed the deal on not posting. The fact that she wasn't totally put off keeps her in the running for next-wife... in case anything happens to the current model.

Because he's my son

Last night on the couch we, my wife and I, asked our son, "Do you know how many people are going to be in your family?" He thought for a moment then began counting. "One," he pointed to himself. "Two," he pointed to me. "Three," he pointed to my wife. "Four," touching her belly. "Five and six," as he then pointed to both her breasts. In his defense, her naturally lovely DD breasts have begun their magical transformation to the legendary DDD status and I guess babies living in breasts are about as realistic to a child as a babies living in stomachs. I thought I was chuckle worthy anyway.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Tonight I went down to mess around at an anti-porn protest in Northampton and as I sat in my car, waiting for the sprinkles to stop, I thought what the hell am I doing with my life? I spent the time from my lunch break to when I left work making a sign to hold as I mingled with the protesters. Looking at the sign, I keep asking myself, why? Why am I wasting time from my family to act out a joke only I’d get the punch line to? I’ve put a lot of thought into this and for the time being, I will no longer be updating this blog and it will eventually be taken down – once it’s all neatly backed-up. I need to take a break from everything that’s not important and refocus on other things in my life. Mike-Henry.com will still be developed, hopefully partnered with Rudius Media. I submitted some stories that I never posted on here for a variety of different reasons including, but not limited to, the fact my mother has been known to read a post or two. Basically, that’s it. I’m out. Lots of love guys! My thanks to MisterOrange.com for his story "Running" that inspired me to start the blog, folks over at AtomicTumor.com for being interesting, RockAss.net for linking to my panhandling story and to all my readers and commenters. I’m taking another three-day weekend this week. On Friday, my wife and I have another baby appointment and my son has his first day/orientation day of his second year of preschool then we’ll be going to the Franklin county fair. After that, it’s anyone’s guess. If you want to contact me for some reason: Leave a comment, I’ll reply… eventually. Email me: editor [at] theendisnow [dot] com Or if that one gives you problems: meice [at] hgenco [dot] org Yahoo IM: stupid_lemon_eater AIM: SymbioteOmega

It's something unpredictable But in the end is right I hope you had the time of your life

Fingertips

While searching for a domain to launch my new site, I came across alot of other Mike Henrys. The majority were in technical fields but this oddball stood out. FYI - I am NOT this Mike Henry. Nope. Nadda. Never. Ok... maybe. P.S. I'm only crazy for Coco-puffs. P.P.S. This week in God is two weeks behind. I missed a week while on vacation. New post later today. Peace.

Crikey! Who didn't see this coming...

My brother-in-law sent me a message earlier today: "DUDE THE CROC MAN DIED!!! SIR STEVE IRWIN IS DEAD, DEAD AND GONE, OH MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!!!!" The denial hit first, no way was he really dead! What the hell could have taken out the 'Crocodile Hunter'? Really now, come on! But unfortunately my friends, it's true! Steve Irwin really has passed on. RIP 09/04/06. Apparently, while shooting a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest", Steve swam too close to a stingray. According to the article, stingrays have a poisonous barb on their tails and with a lucky stick the beast pierced his heart. As I'm writing this, my son (who snuck downstairs and is sitting with me because he cannot sleep) pointed at Steve's picture with the snake and stated, "Dad, that's the Crocodile Hunter from my Wiggles at the Zoo movie." "I know Ry." Should I tell him, should I not. "The story says he was stung by a stingray. He's not going to be on TV anymore." Carefully played. "He's not? Oh man!" Sourse: MSN.

In memory of Paula Wright

My Great Aunt passed away sometime yesterday after being diagnosed with an advance case of cancer. At this point, the specific illness diagnosis escapes me but when she was diagnosed she wasn't given much time. I can't say that we were particularly close, I can't really remember the last time I talked to her. It may have been at my Great Grandmother's funeral, but I can't say for sure. The last interaction I can remember was over seven years ago when I happened to be behind her and my Great Grandmother in line at the KFC/Taco Bell. I tried waving to them but I didn't get there attention so I fell back on my time tested method: laying on the horn. The two old women, I swear to you, both jumped up and hit their heads on the roof of Paula's car! My Great Grandmother gave a "you damned foolish kid" wave as they got their food then drove away. The service is tomorrow but the obituary feels like it's going to be a small, private service. I'll pay my respects after the service is over and everyone else has gone. Peace and love.

CNN Anchor Flubs Audio During Bush Katrina Speech - YouTube

I still don't understand women chatting it up in the bathroom. You go in, do your business, get out. This chick is in there talking about soulmates as she's pushing one out and badmouthing her sister-in-law. I'd have loved to hear more of what she was saying but it was hard to hear over that guy verbally defecating on camera. UPDATE: Kyra was on Letterman tonight doing the Top Ten Kyra Phillips Excuses. I've taken the liberty of "liveblogging" it for you. Enjoy, vultures!

10. "Still haven't mastered complicated On/Off switch" 9. "Larry King told me he does this all the time" 8. "How was I supposed to know we had a reporter embedded in the bathroom?" 7. "I honestly never knew this sort of thing was frowned upon" 6. "Couldn't resist chance to win $10,000 on 'America's Funniest Home Videos' " 5. "I was set up by those bastards at Fox News" 4. "Oh like you've never gone to the bathroom and had it broadcast on national television" 3. "I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me" 2. "Okay, so I was drunk and couldn't think straight" 1. "You have to admit, it made the speech a lot more interesting"

The Family Man: My Son's Tea Pot

A little while ago, we bought my son a tea set from Wal-Mart. That’s right, a tea set for a three year old boy – got a problem with that? Him and his mother play tea party and he loves it, it's wholesome quality time they have together. They used to play it with a mismatched set of plastic cups and plastic food. He's wanted a real one for a while but it's hard to find one that isn't solely oriented towards girls because, lets face it, it's usually a girl toy. Wal-mart had a white porcelain set (teapot, sugar bowl, creamer, and four plates with matching saucers) with a bear in a sweater on it, pretty much gender neutral and on the cheap. My son liked it, so we bought it. On the way home, he talked non-stop about the damned thing! Can I have my tea set? Can I have my tea set, please? Can I have my tea set, now? Aargh!! At one point we had to tell him to stop talking about it or it would be taken away. It seemed to work and he was finally quiet… for a while. Until a few minutes later when he announced, “Dad, I’m not thinking about the tea set anymore.” “Good and keep not thinking about it until we get home.” Five minutes from home he again announced, “I’m still not thinking about my tea set.” On Tuesday (08/29/06) of this week he asked me to fill his little sugar bowl. I didn't think anything of it and it didn't even strike me as odd that he'd need sugar for his "tea", which was only apple juice, so I filled the tiny bowl with sugar - it held as much as two soda bottle caps. Next thing I know, he's wide eyed and dipping his finger in the bowl, scooping out the sugar and eating it straight up! Of course, as if on queue, my wife came out of the office and her jaw drops while she watches him swirl his tongue in the little hole, desperately seeking any of the remaining sweetness. She then scolds me, stating when he asks her for it to be filled she only pretends to fill it! Well, lah-dee-dah! And to top it off, she adds, “Michael! He had a chocolate frosted, chocolate donut on the way home! He’s going to be wired!” Man, paint SUCKER on my forehead! For the next two hours the kid was indeed wired and bouncing off the walls! The best part was when he came up stairs while my wife and I were talking and watching TV in our bedroom. At some point he started hallucinating pretending we had a monkey family in the bedroom with us. The monkey parents had left the monkey baby and monkey baby sister alone in our room and my son was caring for them. "This is the monkey baby,” he said with his hands cupped, pretending to be holding it. He put that one down then cupped his hands again. "And this is the monkey baby sister." I leaned over and pretended to pet them. Apparently invisable baby monkeys are about the same size as a baseball. Who knew? That went on for a bit. Monkey baby this, monkey baby that. Suddenly he jumped up and ran around the room screaming, "The monkey baby sister grabbed a hold of my butt cheeks! Ahhhhh!" We just lost it. His facial expression and the way he was running around was just too funny. Soon he crashed from his sugar high and, after a thorough tooth brushing, was put to bed for the night.

Merry Katrina Eve

It's been a year since that Hurricane Katrina touched down and in a couple of days it will be the anniversary of it's sucessful 2-point conversion - breached levies. I'm a fan of most natural disasters because, lets face it, there are too many people on this rock and aren't we all a little better off now that there are less people to stand in front of us in line? The mainstream media and the blogosphere, whatever the hell that is, is up in arms over yet another poorly chosen metaphor used by that Ray Nagin. When will Nagin's fifteen be up? In response to questions about debris still littering his city's streets during a “60 minutes” interview, Nagin replied, “You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed, and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair.” Yeah, lets be fair... For someone who doesn't mean to offend anyone with his comments, he sure does a good job at it! In observance of the one-year anniversary, Mayor Ray Nagin would like to share his delicious recipe for Chocolate. We join his press conference all ready in progress. How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, [ be health smart, people, use reduced fat! ] you mix it with white [ 2% ] milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about!

Wish you were there... nahh, not really.

When you get this, I will be gone but don't look for me, you won't find me. I'll be on a MUCH needed vacation from now until next Tuesday. I need figure my shit out and get the hell away from the office. It'll be a good time to reconnect with the wife. Next Monday will be our second wedding anniversary. Two years of marriage down, only seventy-eight to go! (Unfortunately, DeathClock only gives me 47 more years to live, 04/07/2053 - don't tell the wife.) We'll be at a beach for a couple of days then spending the rest of the time home, doing family things. Computer usage will be at a minimum and as for phone calls.. don't expect anyone to pickup. Lots of love.

Motherf***ing nature can bite my motherf***ing ass!

Earlier in the day, we should have known an ambulance stopping out in front of our house asking for directions should have been the ominous sign of bad things to come! A quick and fierce thunderstorm rolled into the village tonight, some time after five. My wife and son were outside, cleaning out her car when the storm started. It started with a strong wind, leaves and small branches flew threw the air. They quickly ran inside, drenched. Some time later, my wife called out to me, "Why is that car parked out in front of our house?" I walked out the front porch and looked at them. A camper, being pulled by a black pick-up truck, had stopped out in front of our back yard. I couldn't get a good look of why they had stopped, so I came back inside and looked out the living room window to see if I could get a better view. A better view indeed! The top of a tree had snapped and fallen on my son's play structure! As may be able to see from the picture, it's huge - at least a couple hundred pounds. For assistance with determining the size, the play structure is somewhere near eight feet tall at the peak of the canopy and the treetop, I estimate, is over ten feet tall and just about a foot thick at the base. Luckily, there wasn't much damage. Here's a run down:

• The screws for the beams of the canopy snapped but the wood is still in good shape.
• The structure was moved about six inches; the anchors were ripped up but no physical damage to the structure itself.
• The swingset bar, installed in June, was just fine. Because the structure moved, the A-frame support moved a little but nothing broke.
• Subsequent damage was tolled on my yard as a result of dragging the treetop off the structure and back to the base of the tree it fell from. I also cut up my arms a little moving that damned thing.
• My grill cover was also ripped to shit. Somehow a limb tore the cover off the grill and stabbed it into the ground. Luckily the grill shows no sign of damage. Why was it over there you ask? Well, I moved it to the edge of my property to avoid the smoke from going into my home and my neighbors homes. I guess one way to look at it is that I now have plenty of firewood for winter grilling.

All in all, the thing I'm most pissed about is that I had to get wet and dirty when I moved the tree. I HATE getting wet, especially from cold rain!

Now I need to find my chainsaw... I think I misplaced it after the last zombie attack.

This week in God

Part thirty of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

GOOD WORKS ARE THE FRUIT NOT THE ROOT OF SALVATION!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

And now a word from our sponsors

Just a quick post. New This Week in God will be posted tomorrow.

• I've removed the Adult Friend Finder crap. Google can stay. More template changes underway this weekend.

• For those of you visiting from the keywords "Highland Pond", "Greenfield" and "gay" you're totally off. You should replace "Highland Pond" with "Poet Seat Tower". That's the gay crusing area. Look it up. All you need to do is walk out into the woods, wait a moment and suddenly gays will scurry out from behind trees offering their services. According to the news accounts and police logs anyway.

• The Al Franklin Show totally robbed me today. I was planning on coming home and posting the line "I have friends who are into beastiality, I've worked with people who are into beastiality, I have utmost respect for them." Bastards! I need to find another fool making a ridiculous comment now. I mean, come on! Comparing homosexuality to beastiality?! That's satirical gold!

• PsychoGirl story is done and is being proofed. It's going to be posted in parts because it's just too damned long otherwise.

• I took a 3hr on-line course for Advance HTML design on Thursday - on my company's tab. Three damned hours and the only thing I learned was the meta tag pragma. "Advanced" training is apparently using tables, frames and CSS. It's wasn't helpful at all but I can list it as an accomplishment, specialized training, and I did it on company time on the company's dime. I don't need more training... I think I need LSD or a mutant to rub my temples while chanting "Open your mind. Open your mind!"

The results are in...

We're having a girl! At least we're pretty sure, lack of proof is proof in itself. My wife has had a feeling she was going to have a girl. Another Life lession learned: the wife is always right (even if she's wrong). The number one comments I've received is that she's probably going to be "such a daddy's girl" and "she's going to have you totally wrapped around her finger." Janurary 7th is going to be here before we know it and there is so much to do: birth refresher class, sibling class for our son, setting up the nursery and picking out the baby's name. Unfortunately, my boy names I had picked out won't be able to used. The list included many gems, such as: George Michael, Annyong, Bryce, Maverick, Alton, Carl, Soda, Glenn, Peter, Goku, Stewie, Barry, Jason, Tobias, Seven, Foster, Spike, Naruto, Rocky, Apollo, Blue #2, and Prince Michael Henry (lost that battle with the first one, too). Now, I need to come up with a good girls name... like Moxy Crimefighter.

Would you be my hero?

Back in May, Mister Orange posted his “Ultimate” question: How many [combat trained] 5 year-olds could you take out at once? There were stipulations and conditions to the brawl, of course. If you haven’t yet, read over and maybe throw up your own response. It’s pretty interesting to think about… if you’re into fighting children that is. I figured I could take out about fifty of the little buggers. Another commenter thought they were tougher and bragged they could take around one hundred! As much as I’d love to debate further on how many five year-olds could be taken out, I want to toss out my own question. Can I borrow twenty dollars? Question: If you could have any special ability or powers, what would they be? With the bonus question: How would you use them? Focus points:

• Yes, I’m asking because of that “Heroes” show.
• The ability or power does not necessarily have to be limited to comic or cartoon characters. But if that’s your train of thought, there are no limits on the universe or brand, any and all are welcome. Also, fear not the label of “Joey Gladstone.” Adult cartoon watchers are not all Ninja Turtle pajama wearing, woodchuck puppet sodomizing weirdoes… except on the weekends. After a few beers.
• You can always opt out and not want powers. But give me a big why not.

My answer:

• I’d want to have a symbiotic costume like Venom but it’d have to be less mind controlling and more like Spawn’s living armor.
• The ability to use the ever-popular anime Ki blasts, specifically like those in the Dragon Ball Trilogy.
• The ability to use the Sharingan from the series Naruto. I know, I know, the Byakugan are said to be more powerful but they’re a dull gray and the users face gets all veiny. Yuck.
• I wouldn’t want to be indestructible or able to fly. Those aren't really appealing. Immortality, too, is out of the mix.

Now, what say you?

Iron man Folgore, Invincible Folgore, Brave and strong Folgore, He always wins the day.

Maddox to be on WAQY/Rock102 Tomorrow!

The Brokeback Morons, Bax & O'Brien will interview Maddox tomorrow sometime between 5:30am to 10:00am. I didn't hear the specific time he'll be on but it should be interesting. Especially since it seems no one there has read the book. Tune in to 102.1 FM and check it out or wait for it's eventual inclusion to their archive.

More to come

Last week's and this week's This week in God has been posted. Enjoy. I discovered last week that users of YouTube have posted the original Japanese language versions of Naruto with English subs. I started with episode 60 which is a few episodes ahead of what they're showing on Toonami and have made it to 101. Thats upwards of around 15 hours or so of vegging. I have some new stuff I've been working on, it'll be posted soon.

This week in God

Part twenty-nine of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

GOD COMFORTS THE DISTURBED AND DISTURBS THE COMFORTABLE!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

This week in God

Part twenty-eight of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

THE BEST VITAMIN FOR A CHRISTIAN B-1

No exclamation point?! Wow!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

I suppose if I liked it, it wouldn't be work and they wouldn't pay me

This is Mike. Have I told you how much I hate love my job today? Well, I do. I really, really do! And just a moment while I setup this post. Thank you. Well, lets see. Here are some quotes from a few calls I received today, after which I spent the remaining time of the work day surfing the company's intranet for a different position I could tranfer to and using Mapquest to get directions from my house in Massachusetts to the other office in Connecicut. I'd be willing to drive the hour or so for a different position. Like my real calls, I'm having trouble working in both the Please and the Thank you into this spoofy opening. I didn't ask for you name, that's another point against me. Maybe I can wrap it up within department guidelines. Anyway, on with the calls... Me: "This is Mike. How can I help you?" Caller: "Mark? Did you say your name was Mark?"

No, damn it! MIKE! Ever since I was a child I was called names I didn't want to be. I don't care for Mikey, Mitch, or Michael. I prefer Mike, Henry or not to be named at all actually. Sometimes my wife calls me Mikey Eddie Weirdo, I suppose that's fine too. Also, why do you need to know my name? I'm a lowly peon with no decision making powers at all, I just read off the monitor what the man tells me to read. Even with my name, it will do you no good. Mentioning my name during a call will get you little more than a chuckle.

Me: "May I have your..." social security #, account #, brokerage information, etc. Caller: "I knew you were going to ask me for that! I should of had it ready." (Annoying chuckle to follow.)

Yo, psychic asshole, bet you can't guess what I'm saying about you while I put you on MUTE!

Me: Providing information on benefits. Caller: "Say what now?"

I've noticed this is a Georgian-thing. Years ago when I worked in dental insurance I answered calls from Georgia and apparently you people don't brush your teeth. I have no actual data on this but I'm fairly sure the per capita ratio for dentures is pretty high there.

Me: "I'm sorry, that office is currently closed. If you like I can request a callback or if you can call back before 5pm you can speak with them directly." Caller: "It's not 5pm here."

Yeah, it's not 5pm in California or where you're calling from but it's after 5pm here and we're what matters. There is a reason they include those three letters after the time, we have TIME ZONES. Maybe you've heard of Eastern Standard Time?

Me: "Thank you. And, may I have you social security number?" Caller: They've responded in three ways...

1. The final four. "1234," ackward pause. I wait until they add, "That's my last four." I didn't ask for the last four. I don't give a shit if you think someones tapping your phone, waiting for the very moment your calling your insurance company to steal your social security number.
2. The rapid fire response. "Fou-ifty-Ni-Seventy. One." Of course I'll have to ask for it again and they'll respond put off like I should have been able to follow along.
3. The bad dancer. They have no rhythm. Everyone in the business knows there is a rhythm to giving social security and phone numbers. They'll give their social as "Forty-eight. Two thiry-one. Sixteen. One. Six." When the rhythm should be "Da Da Da. Do Do. De De Da Do."
4. The asshat. "You mean my soch (so-shh)?" Stop calling it that! If you want to make up your own words like a baby, I'll treat you like one and shake you.

Me: "Your claim is pending the receipt of the medical information. Once received the review for benefits can begin." Caller: Tearful but angry. "Whenever I try to use these benefits I'm given the god damned run around. You people are sure quick to that the money out of my hard earned check every week!"

Why yes, yes we are and thanks for your call. And not only do I personally collect the money weekly from your check but I then go and blow it on the McDonald's Dollar Menu. I've also noticed your requested deductions will actually leave you owing in at the end of the year. I've taken the liberty of submitting a corrected W4. You're welcome.

Was there anything else I can help you with? Ok, you have a good day then.

High Tension - REVIEW

Director: Alexandre Aja Writer: Alexandre Aja & Grégory Levasseur Stars: Cecile de France, Maïwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon Running Time: 91 minutes Before you begin: Contains minor spoilers, but I won't ruin the plot twist... until you get to the comments. And also let me just say this film was not filmed in English and the jacket said nothing about this being dubbed. It did say it included the "Original French Language Director's Cut Version" but I figured it was just one of those ridiculous extras DVDs nowadays are known for. I was wrong. I sat for a good five minutes fuming, "What the hell! Why aren't the lips in sync?!" Nothing pisses me off more when watching television or movies than lip-syncing errors. And it wasn't until I'd run through all the possible causes for the sync error and the first English subtitle came up that I finally figured out what was going on. I can be slow sometimes. So, it's dubbed in French-accented English and every once in a while subtitles pop-up as the characters will speak French for, guessing, dramatic effect. It really doesn't take long to forget about this and just enjoy the film. Just wanted to mention this because some of my buddies won't even look at a film if there is even a chance of subtitles. You've been warned. Why should you watch this movie?

• Nudity: Shower scene with bare breasts. Unfortunately it's not Cecile de France.
• Sex: No actual intercourse but there is oral sex and Cecile de France masturbates.
• Gore: Blood, blood and more blood. There is a not-so-fake decapitation, dismemberment with awesome throat slitting scene and a gas station attendant takes an axe to the chest. The special effects are well done.
• Horror: I actually jumped at a few scenes and I never jump. This was horror done right.
• Offensive language: I don’t really remember any.
• Plot: Cookie cutter but they're double chocolate chunk with a twist of something special that doesn't hit you until the end.

Story summary: The film begins with the blonde on a hospital bed, all cut up and in stitches. The film then cuts to her running through the woods, injured and scared. Finally she reaches a road and stops in the middle, causing an oncoming car to swerve and slam on the breaks. It then cuts to her waking up from a dream in the backseat of a different car, uninjured but shaken by her dream. Right then and there I thought I had figured it out, obviously she was a psychic or some crap. But I was wrong. As she asks for a cigarette from her friend, you'll really notice the dubbing work but bear with it. These two girls are Marie (Cecile de France, the blonde) and Alexia (Maïwenn Le Besco, the brunette). They're two best friends and classmates who have come to France to visit Alexia's parents' secluded farmhouse, hoping to study for college exams. You'll never hear about the exams again, so its just fluff. While they're driving, the movie cuts to another area of road and a mysterious old beat-up Citroen truck parks along side a cornfield. Inside the truck the driver is getting a little oral sex. Passionate lovers? Not hardly. As the driver finishes, he tosses a decapitated woman’s head out the window. This is the first scene in the movie that doesn't quiet flow after seeing the ending. I'm not sure if this was still part of Marie's dream or something that really happened. Eventually night falls and the duo arrives at Alexia's families’ farmhouse. Here we meet Alexia's father and little brother - her mother is already asleep by the time they arrive. After a brief tour of the home, Marie is left to settle into her room. Boredom sets in and she decides to go out to have a smoke. Here we're shown Alexia's bare breasts while she's showering, we also notice Marie checking her out. With the cigarette done, she returns inside and ascends to her room. It's a little creepy with the wind, the creaking and what not so she puts her headphones on and zones out. As this is a foreign film, we're graced by the sight of the beautiful Cecile de France masturbating. American actresses are such prudes. The only masturbation scene that comes to mind with an American actress is the scene in Slackers with Laura Prepon and that wasn't anything special. Actually, pretty lame in fact. The motors are running and we're off. As Marie climaxes, that old beat-up Citroen truck we saw earlier pulls up. A jumpsuit clad man exits and bangs on the door. The stranger continues to bang until the father is roused from his slumber and answers the door. Marie peers out through the top story window and watches as the stranger brandishes his knife at the father. Let the killing begin! Everyone dies except for Marie, who hides, and Alexia, who's captured and bound in chains. I won't really get into how they die; it's worth watching yourself. The only thing I didn't like was that they used such a young boy and I hate thinking about violence towards children but at least they didn't show any actual harm coming to him. As all the killing is going on, Marie is searching throughout the house for a phone only to find the main line has been cut. Sure, it's been done but it worked. The stranger loads up Alexia in his truck then re-enters the house for one more sweep. Marie sneaks into the truck and unsuccessful in her attempt to free her friend is also trapped in the truck as the stranger heads off to parts unknown. Who knows how long they've been driving but the truck soon needs a fill up. At the gas station there is another failed attempt at freeing her friend and the gas station attendant is killed. Leave no witnesses and one less self-serve attendant can't hurt anyone. Amazingly Marie is again able to evade detection and capture but the truck drives off before she can get back out there. Stealing the dead clerk's car, a chase ensues. The car chase is actually the second scene that doesn't quiet add up after seeing the ending which we're so close to right now. The chase is predictable as Marie first thinks she's in the clear and unnoticed but in the blink of an eye, she's the hunted and run off the road in a fiery car wreck. As you've heard, there is a twist to the ending. The twist makes it worth re-watching to see if there were any clues that might give it away. Bottom line: Best. Horror. Flick. (of 2005)

Go away Mickey!

At work today (07/31/06), I received a frantic call from my wife. Apparently a rat, by her description, ran out in front of her and she was now upstairs, barricaded in our bedroom with our son. God damn it! She hates rodents. She was calling me not only tell me about the rodent and to chew me out about not dealing with the problem sooner but to also find out what to do about dinner... which she left downstairs, cooking in the stove and refused to tend to because of fear that the rat may do rat-type things to her! Oh boy! I was annoyed, so I said, "No one wanted to eat your damn meatloaf anyway!" She said something to the effect of, oh I don't know, go to hell or something to that effect and hung up on me. (Honestly, there would have been no other way to get her off the phone at that point.) Eventually, she calmed down and called back. She told me she's come back down stairs, turned the oven down and everything should be fine until I got home. Hooray, the meatloaf was safe! When work was over, I grabbed the left over angel food cake someone brought in for the employee of the month, who was not me, celebration on Friday of last week. I'm not bitter in any way that I wasn't the employee of the month. Nope, not bitter. Just pointing out the fact that I was not the employee of the month. Oh well, free rat bait... it was at work, too. Oh yeah, burn! Anyway, I then drove over to the Home Depot to pick up a multi-pack of traps but of course, they were out of mouse traps! How wonderfully terrific! I thought I had one at home, so I left the store and reluctantly drove home to face the ol' ball 'n chain. (She's my best friend, but seriously... sometimes...) Fifteen minutes later, I was home. Upon entering the door, I was met by a broom-wielding wife who was descending the stairs. I went to the kitchen and immediately searched for hints of a rodent. Nothing really stood out and I was hungry, so we ate. Let me say again... Hooray, the meatloaf was safe! After I cleared my plate I began working on finding the mouse or "rat". I first started with sweeping under the sink and my wife, worried the mouse was going to scurry out, put her feet up on chair across from her. "Hey bud," I called to my son, who was also eating dinner. "Hey! Look at the mouse by Mom's feet!" She squeeled. The simple joys of my life! I don't know why she still falls for my crap after six years of being together. So, anyway, I just got done moving the washing machine, microwave stand and the stove in search of droppings or entry points. Apparently, when we had our last run in with rodents, I left a set trap behind the stove that, apparently, caught a rodent some time ago. All that was left was a pile of fur and a skeleton. I offered to show my wife but she declined for some reason. Traps have been baited and set. Now we play the waiting game... UPDATE 08/01/06: On this public record, it is noted that at 12:14am on 08/01/06 one gray mouse, not a big black rat, has meet it's demise. Rest in peace, friend. Crime scene photographers have just left. Scene has been cleared and trap reset. Could there be another…? UPDATE 08/06/06: I've found a couple of entry points. One was of my own creation - I drilled two holes to run wire for the stove and ended up using the smaller of the two. I plugged the unused hole with rat poision... they ate it out but I'm not sure when. Like I've said before I did find a mousey skeleton back there, so it could have been a while ago. The other hole has been years in the making. Under the radiator in the dining room there is a spot that has rotten out. For the time being, until this payday comes around, I've dropped a few nuggets of poision down the hole and stuffed it with newspaper. Before I stuffed the hole with the newspaper, one of the creatures returned a partially eaten nugget. This rot hole is the primary entry point for a new species also. First it was field mice who invaded then a mole lost it's way and now... a chipmunk! I'll keep you posted. I think I should buy a snake...

In the absense of a strong plot, use nudity.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Here's what I've been up to. Basically, if you were my boss and I told you I didn't come into work for three days because I've been vegging out on TV, you'd fire my ass. But since you're not, suck it.

Tuesday: Installed StarCraft and the expansion. Got sick of Age of Empire's limit on the number units I could have. Where's the fun with that when you're deathmatching?! So, I needed a little Zerg fix.

I've been experiencing a little blog envy - Atomic Tumor and Wuzzadem are great. They've got the feel I'd like this site to have. Damn you people, with your cool sites! Then there are sites like Cocktails with Kevin and The Search for A Good Story who know how to use clipart to aid in their story telling.

Wednesday: I posted mock letters. Poor response. The air conditioner was dropped at the store and made weird noises. I need to return it. As I was once a shipping / receiving clerk I know how to pack a box. This box wasn't packed like it was to be shipped. Fucking Walmart.

I've realized, I don't care for drinking alcohol... unless someone else pays for it. Whenever I buy a six pack it sits in my refridgerator. I don't like to drink in front of my son and I'm not one for drinking alone. Hell, I still have half of that 40 of Miller High Life. Thursday: I spaced out on my new favorite show It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia. That's a great show. New episodes on FX at 10pm, encore of an older episode at 10:30. Encore of both episodes at 11 & 11:30pm. Nice. Friday: My nieces, aged 4 and 2, slept over. My brother and his wife went to Foxwood's casino. All the kids slept down stairs on the pull out couch. I have no idea what time they finally fell asleep but I'm sure it was close to midnight. Life Lesson learned: Use solid color or non-character bed linens for future sleep overs to avoid arguments over who wants the Mini Mouse, Wiggles, Toy Story or Thomas the Tank Engine bed sets. Saturday: Nieces were picked up some time between 6:30 to 7:30pm. After a quick trip to the laundromat to dry our bed linens, I settled down to watch Toonami, 48hrs Mysteries, then Adult Swim. Fooly Cooly marathon + Best two episodes of Cowboy Bebop = crawling into bed at 3am.

I'll update this blog some time later today after I finish HGenCo's update (and get tired of playing StarCraft). I have over 200 pictures that need to be sorted and put into galleries. HGenCo's layout is pretty bland at the moment as it was designed for dial-up but new design is under works using CSS and feeds. That'll be sweet. The definitive source of all things Henry. Until later. ---- Sorry but I'm moving the stories about me off this blog to a different site. As I may have said, this is a place where I post my first drafts and many are riddled with typos.

It's better to beg forgiveness than to seek permission, fin.

Dear Western Massachusetts Electric Company,

Tonight, from Walmart, we bought a 5,200 BTU air conditioner. Sure, it says it's one of the most energy efficient models but that's a lie, right? You know this thing will be sucking down the happy juice from the happy holes and you'll be laughing all the way to the bank. You're fucking welcome, sugar tits! Always looking to take my money... lousey bunch of...

Advising you not to cash my check until after X-mas, Michael E. Henry Mel C. Gibson

It's better to beg forgiveness than to seek permission, cont.

Dear Al Norman, Tonight, from Walmart, we bought a 5,200 BTU air conditioner. As a family of three, soon to be four, we must do our best to do what we can saving money and Walmart is our best choice! Not only does Walmart offer low prices but they also provide a range of selection that local stores don't have the buying power to carry. Do you think I could have bought this $85 air conditioner from a Mom & Pop store for $85? Nope, never! It would have been at least a $100. They also wear those handsome blue vests and greet you with such a warm hello upon entering the store. I'm sorry, Al. Best wishes, Michael E. Henry P.S. You're also kind of weird.

It's better to beg forgiveness than to seek permission

Dear Al Gore, Tonight, we bought an air conditioner. It's small, only 5,200 BTU. I'm sorry, Al! We needed it! Don't worry, it is only for our bedroom and will only be run at night. I promise I'll plant a tree. ...or watch someone do it. ...on video. Your #1 fan, Michael E. Henry

Basshunter - Boten Anna - YouTube

Kind of makes me want to fire up mIRC and go chatting. "I'm not a bot, I'm a really nice girl." That's the kind of thing a bot would say! The actual site, Basshunter, has a better quality video as well as videos subtitled in different languages.

Where's the PsychoGirl story?

Actually, I was --THIS-- close to not posting or finishing it. Writing out everything was theraputic and I was ready to just drop it, accepting it as the unchangable past. Maybe even stop referring to her as PsychoGirl... But the story is back in the works, leeches! Last Saturday, out of the blue, her husband instant messaged me on MySpace. Here is that raw conversation, nothing has been changed.

matt: is your name really Michael Henry? The Dude: yes matt: and are you from greenfield? The Dude: Originally, Millers now. matt: are you a godfather to any children? The Dude: Not that I know of... matt: do u know a girl named nancy from greenfield The Dude: oh, her. matt: why do u say it like that The Dude: she still talks about me? matt: no but i was browsing myspace and i saw your name michael henry matt: and our oldest son michael is named after u matt: havent changed his last name yet matt: its michael henry The Dude: are you serious? Why didn't you adopt him and change his name? matt: i am working on it matt: it takes a while trust me i have looked into it matt: its not that easy matt: i am sorry if i bothered u The Dude: the first step is I guess finding the real father... The Dude: no, you didn't bother me matt: ok matt: i met u at one point matt: u had glasses and long hair The Dude: Yeah, I remember you. Glad to see you're still together and things have worked out matt: yeah we have been together a long time nowe matt: now matt: she has changed a lot matt: she doesnt party anymore matt: just takes care of the family matt: nancy said u were the godfather The Dude: Not that I'm aware of. I'm sure that was something we might have discussed but I don't think I agreed to anything matt: oh cause michael asks where his name came from and nancy tells him his godfather The Dude: oh. matt: so your married matt: congratulations matt: congrats on your kids The Dude: yup. we've been together for 5 years now, married for almost two The Dude: thanks matt: thats cool The Dude: next one is due in Jan matt: we have been married almost 3 years matt: 3 kids matt: well michael matt: and zackary and ellazondra matt: well dont wanna take up to much of your time The Dude: I've seen the pictures on her myspace matt: well it was nice chatting maybe we can chat again gotta get ready for work The Dude: No problem. Take it easy. matt: you to matt: take care matt: can i add u on my list The Dude: sure matt: ok cool *** matt's IC window is closed

I did add him to my friends list, but removed him soon after because of my many "friends" only posts. For the record, I am no ones god father. For educational purposes only, here is her myspace page. But just don't harass her. (I could care less if you did, but for liability sake I have to disclaim any and all involvement.) When I was first notified that she had a page and I checked it out, there were quiet a few references and apologies to me. Give me a break. If you have an account, view her pictures. She has a picture of the boy who she told I was their "god father". Note the skin color. I'm busy with two new for-profit web ventures but I'll have the story up by the end of the week. I'll leave you to talk amoungst yourselves.

See ya, Mel! - Revisited

I'd heard that Melanie Martinez made not one but two 30-second video clips. After the news broke about her firing, I could only find the anal sex one. After watching this weeks edition of The Soup, I saw the second one. I'd love it if there were more of her. She's so damn cute.

Feasting on Asphalt, TODAY!

Can't talk today. Too excited. Why? Today's the day! It's the day of the Good Eats marathon, followed by the one-hour behind-the-scenes special then it's finally time for the premier of Alton Brown's new mini-series "Feasting on Asphalt"! And because I like to gloat, here is a picture of me and him from the Great Big Food show 2004 in Pennsylvania. I was star struck until we got back home. Marathon episode listing: 3:00pm-"I Pie" 3:30pm-"Waffle Truth" 4:00pm-"Pantry Raid: Pasta" 4:30pm-"Wanton Ways" 5:00pm-"Fry Hard 2: The Chicken (Fried)" 5:30pm-"A Pie in Every Pocket" 6:00pm-"Curious Yet Tasty Avocado Experiment" 6:30pm-"Raising the Steaks" 7:00pm-"This Spud's for You" 7:30pm-"A Rib for All Seasons" 8:00pm-"Good Eats: Behind the Eats" --- NEW!! Episode repeats at 3am. 9:00pm - Feasting on Asphalt: "The South Shall Fry Again" Episode repeats at 12am.

This week in God

Part twenty-seven of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. This week they multi-tasked and used both sides! Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

SATURDAY NIGHT ALIVE CONCERT MUSIC BY SILOAM JULY 29 630PM

SOUTHERN GOSPEL CONCERT WITH THE EATONS SUNDAY JULY 30 6PM

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

Operation Groucho - GoogleVideo

Watch and learn as the Badmouth crew gives a statue an extreme humor makeover in broad daylight! All the cool people seem to live in California, especially in the Sacramento area.

Gibberish of the day

My setup here is almost back up 100%, I'm going to miss my linux setup but alas my digital camera doesn't work here and I don't care for the photoediting software I've come across for this platform. I'll probably have a real post tomorrow. Until then, I'll be playing the MUD I've been working on since highschool - locally because this system is hidden under my current router setup - and to tide you over, I just typed up some stupid crap I've scribble at work over the past few months. Enjoy. It's always sunny in Hell What am I supposed to do, Who am I supposed to be? I know what you expect, but that can never really be me. ~M.E.H 07/26/06 The rose The rose was for you It smelled sweet like love My car lost control and I killed a homeless man when I swerved to miss a dove In lockup I sit and think if you weren't such a high maintaince biatch I'd be home asleep ~M.E.H 07/14/06 A gift for my love... Nah baby, these were for you It's a gift that would look hot Ignore the blood stains those are from the store clerk I shot ~M.E.H 07/10/06 The hookup I bought you a cookie, so lets have sex I want the nookie, ignore all the mess Don't brush your teeth, theres no time Don't take a shower, you smell just fine Just wear the paperbag, it helps set the mood I can't look at your face, it reminds me of poo Lets keep this hook between you and me My doctor will know too, because I'm sure you have an STD. ~M.E.H 06/23/06

See ya, Mel! - GoogleVideo

If you have preschool age kids and have cable, you probably recognize the woman in this video. Her name is Melanie Martinez and she used to play "Melanie" on the Good Night show airing on PBS KIDS Sprout. Having seen the video, I don't get what the big deal is but the folks over to PBS KIDS Sprout don't share my loose moral values as told in this release on the PBS KIDS Sprout website:

A Notice To Parents Regarding The Good Night Show Late late week, Melanie Martinez, host of The Good Night Show, alerted us to the internet posting of an independent short film that she appeared in seven years ago. PBS KIDS Sprout has determined that the dialogue in this video is inappropriate for her role as a preschool program host and may undermine her character's credibility with our audience. As a result, PBS KIDS Sprout has decided that she will no longer appear as host of The Good Night Show. Melanie has been an important part of our network and we are disappointed that we had to make this difficult decision. PBS KIDS Sprout's foremost priority is to do what is best for our young viewers and their families. We remain committed to The Good Night Show, which debuted last year, as a valuable tool for parents to help children wind down after a busy day. Regularly scheduled programs within The Good Night Show (e.g. Dragon Tales, Bob the Builder, Thomas & Friends) will continue to air in their designated time slots with new short-form content replacing Melanie's segments. We are developing plans to launch a new season of The Good Night Show with a new host late in 2006. Posted Thursday, July 20, 2006 at 6:02 p.m. ET

I'm going to miss that cutie.

Be back later...

Viruses. Spyware. Uncontrolled pop-ups. Programs randomly closing. Photoshop corrupted. Reinstalling doesn't help. Crashes after splash screen. Feeling confused, betrayed, hurt. I'll be back later... after a complete format and reinstall.

This week in God

Part twenty-six of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

LORD HELP ME TO STAND FOR SOMETHING LEST I FALL FOR ANYTHING!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

The Ladies Man: The Ass Grabbing Incident

In high school, weird and freaky girls loved me. I don’t know why. Could it have been the three piercings in my left ear, my longish hairstyle, my adept ability to feign interest and act like I’m interested or was it something else all together? I have no clue but the fact is, I was a freak magnet. Lucky for me, I now have this little gold band which scares off all but the most determined freak, confused young man or high priced streetwalker. It was my senior year and I was coming out of a bad relationship, stage three clinger with a bad case of who’s my baby’s daddy drama – had I played my cards right you could have seen me on Maury! It took a long time to actually cut all ties with PsychoGirl, any of you who’ve dated psychos know it’s not easy. That whole ordeal is another story, one that I’m not quiet ready to write. It's a little too personal. This story is about a run in with one of her friends. After the break up with PsychoGirl, I was pursued by a few of her friends. I really wasn’t anything special in high school [not a passive aggressive attempt to solicit comments on how great I was]; sure I had a car, job and some money but that’s pretty much it and I lacked all but the most basic social skills when it came to girls. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t around yet, after I broke up with PsychoGirl I was like that dude in the grocery store shopping for that body spray. In my case, they weren’t all attractive fillies who were throwing themselves at me. About three were but the rest were hideous trolls and lepers. Most of PsychoGirl’s friends, much like her, were a rung or two down the evolutionary ladder. Needless to say, none of them were my type but that didn’t stop them… it never stops them! On this day, lunch period had just ended and I was walking with my friend Jay to our English class. [Rusty Blossom was the best English teacher. Period.] As we walked, we were bullshitting about something and I was more in tune with the conversation than what was happening around me. We had just come to the mural before the cosmetology shop when something unexpectedly pinched my ass! It wasn’t either cheek but a mere millimeter or two to the right of the ol’ rosebud! I yelped and swatted behind me, turning around as I did. Like my father’s hero, Forest Gump, I honestly thought something had bitten my buttocks. When I swatted, my hand connected with a trollish girl’s hand and for a brief moment, we were holding hands. When I realized what happened, I immediately let her go. It took a couple of seconds to process the situation; I’m slow like that. Inexperienced with being the recipient of an ass pinch and in shock, our eyes met and a beaming smile grew on her blushing face as she looked at me. Oh, boy. Uncomfortably out of my element, I returned an insincere half smile, turned around then double-timed it the hell out of there. Jay caught up with me as I just rounded the corner. I explained to him what had happened, even though I’m pretty sure he witnessed at least part of it. Of course, he laughed. He laughed his ass off. He loved the fact I was a freak magnet. “Dude, it’s not funny! She pinched my friggn’ asshole!” My plea to stop laughing only brought tears to his eyes as he laughed even harder. I have yet to live down the day I was groped in that hallway. I managed to successfully avoid future contacts with her. But there were still other girls to contend with. Many more girls. Oh well, we’ve all been there, right? RIGHT?

Who ya gonna call?

Greenfield, Massachusetts Just happened to be driving on Wisdom Way and looked out on the highway. I noticed a trooper with a car pulled over, so I got nosey and had to check it out. From what I saw, the trooper had this car pulled over then another car pulled up, a person got out, was ushered across the street, entered the car and drove away. Weird. They created quiet a back up with their antics. I snapped these pictures, made eye contact with the trooper, got a vibe and then got the hell out of there.

Bush at the G8 - YouTube

Who hasn't heard or seen this clip yet? Not only does the guy utter the word shit, he does so with a mouth full of food. What an ass. Some broadcasters aired it uncensored and other bleeped it. I fear for our children... what kind of example does this set? Ahh, who gives a shit.

Bill O'Reilly on David Letterman - YouTube

This is old but one of my favorite clips. I watched it live and immediately wanted to watch it again. Believe it or not, Willy had the clip on his website for a while. Who knows why... The clip is just over 11 minutes.

He needs pie, too.

Big Y Parking Lot, Greenfield, Massachusetts On Friday I stopped into the Big Y to pick up some OTC medication (use your imagination as to which and for what) and browse the produce section for veggies in the shape of famous people. The trip was bust on the latter but mission accomplished on the medication. On the way out of the parking lot I came across this pandhandler. I offered him two dollars for permission to take a picture, he obviously agreed - that's my money in his hand! I dig panhandling. I tried it once and wrote it up here - Why lie... I need a pie!

Here's my attempt at a little online panhandling:

SITE NEEDS SUPPORT, CLICK ON ADS. GOD BLESS.

Please? No? Oh well. Maybe I should try the real deal again. House needs a roof, fuel oil needs to be prepaid, new baby on the way, need money for college, ninjas killed my family... lots of good reasons for cash and lots of easy gimmicks to jot on a card board sign!

If you haven't yet, check out my favorite pandhandler - the Panhandling Banana. He rocks ass - not only because his domain is RockAss.net nor the fact that he plugged my panhandling story but due to all those things in conjunction with the fact that he's hung out with Rob Cockerham.

Weekend New Wrap-up

Last week was the last week of that feature. From now on this will be more of a photoblog. My stories and such will be on a new site that is in development. I enjoy the writing but I’m not really a blogger.

Water Trap Prank - YouTube

I would be super pissed if this happened to me.

Home Alone

Let me start off by saying that as much as I loathe people, I really do not like being alone. Especially home alone. This place is haunted. Wooooo… spooky… Nahh, it’s just really boring and quiet. Why am I alone tonight? Well, my wife took our child and left me… to go on their annual road trip with her sister, I wasn’t able to get the days off. Oh well, I hate the beach anyhow. All that sand, scantly clad ladies, the crabs… Who needs it? Not I! So, as I am sitting here waiting for Letterman to come on, I can only imagine the antics those two girls are getting themselves into. The drive up to the Maine / New Hampshire border was probably uneventful since my sister-in-law will be doing most of the driving. I’m sure there will be the occasional wrong turn, food pit stops and bathroom breaks – three year olds and pregnant women are infamous for their incessant need for bathroom breaks. They left the house at nine o’clock and arrived at the beach within an hour and a half. (Had I been driving, the trip would have been less than an hour. I’ve been known to be a bit aggressive. Attempted vehicular homicide… whatever the hell that means.) While waiting for the early check in at the hotel, around eleven or twelve, they’ll be lounging on the beach: my wife will have laid on a beach towel reading some trashy romance novel and her sister and my son will have played in the sand. After the ol’ ball n’ chain got bored with the reading, she joined in on the fun and everyone entered the water. Splish, splash. Eventually they make their way to the hotel, check in and relax for a few hours. They’ll soon have lunch, prepared by my wife from the food she packed and it will be enjoyed in front of the television. In my experience, the television programming in most hotels and motels sucks. More often than not you’re stuck watching some asshat like the verbal defecators Oprah and Dr. Phil. Rejuvenated and reenergized, the trio hit the town. They make their way to all the regular stops at the junk stores and the knock-off clothing stores. My wife will have browsed through the clothes and looked at the jewelry and brandish the occasional replica katana. When she goes off to find our child and her sister, she’ll find the two taking turns tazing each other with one of the many thirty-dollar tazers available from various stores along the strip. For a quick pick me up snack, cinnamon sugar fried dough then it’s back to the beach until dinnertime. They’d return to the hotel for a quick shower to rinse off that salty brine then slipping into something more comfortable. For my wife, something low cut and eye-popping. Her sister, not to be outdone, also dons something equally as eye-popping and flashy with silver or gold sequins. My son will be dressed in a dark colored outfit to avoid any noticeable spills during dinner. They leave the hotel on foot in search of a sit down restaurant. The stairs, hoots and whistles don’t deter them from their mission and it isn’t far down the road until they find a suitable seafood restaurant. As it is with all women who are super model sexy, they are moved to the front of the line and are offered a booth right away. They didn’t notice, but some fugly girls with their leper boyfriends are ushered away to a table near the door to the kitchen. I can only guess at their choice of entrée: cup of clam chowder and a clam or lobster roll for my wife, mac & cheese and hotdog for my son, and I really have no clue for my sister-in-law… maybe soup, salad and breadsticks. I’m pretty sure she’ll have spent some time at the bar, throwing back some shots and fending off the occasional would-be suitor, drunken sailor, blind man, and confused young woman. Night fell and the group decides to retire back to the hotel. My son crashed as his head hit the pillow, exhausted from the day’s adventure. The hotel room has two beds and a sheet in the middle to provide privacy. Since my son’s asleep, they pull the privacy curtain, strip to their bra and panties, turn on a little trashy television and start up a little “girl” talk. All worked up from their story exchanging and not ready for bed, my sister-in-law dressed to party and left the hotel in search for a club. Not an hour later, she returns with a couple of sexy girls and a lesbian orgy erupts. At least that’s how I envision their day as I sit here and sip my rodeo cool beer from a kool-aid man mug between bites of Chinese take-out.

This week in God

Part twenty-five of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

DOVE AWARD NOMINEES THE KEFFERS FRIDAY JULY 14 7PM GREAT GOSPEL MUSIC!

Visit their website, TheKeffers.com, they'll be so glad if you did!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

The Ladies Man

This story is from my seventh grade year spent at the Greenfield Middle School. I was a pretty quiet kid in school and my nose was usually buried in a book. Ahh, books. I read lots of books that year: the Hitchhiker’s Guide series, Star Trek: The Next Generation series, and for some reason computer repair manuals. I used to be really into computers, not these modern marvels but old school 8088, 80286 and 80386 machines with 2400, 9600 and 14.4kbps modems that connected to ASCII based BBS systems. Those were the days, but that’s also another story.

[RETRO-SPEAK: After the middle school, I chose the Franklin County Technical Vocational High school instead of the more academically focused Greenfield High school. I didn’t see myself going to college right away and like the idea that I’d have training right out of high school to get a decent job. I set out looking for computer support work. No, thanks. I’ve lost complete interest in computer support because of how incredibly dumb most people (who I’ve assisted, supported, or what have you) are! No body reads! It’s also too stressful. I’m pretty sure monitors are sources of low-level gamma radiation – I’ve been feeling Hulk-ish. As of this writing, I’ve been employed, working on/with computers, for various lengths at no less than twenty different employers. Some positions were temp but most I just quit. My wages have varied from $5.75 to $14.25 an hour. I’m still on the quest for employment happiness. Also, I have yet to enroll in college. Most people I know who’ve graduated with their little BA are complete dumb asses. Maybe it’s the crowd I roll with.]

I had just moved on from the hair pulling, teasing because I like you stage and on to the note passing stage but not quiet to the actually talking with the girl I like stage. Girls were developing in all the right places and I was taking notice. Some were developing but were staying prime and proper, some were changing their look to flaunt their newly developed asses and others looked like they emerged from the cocoon too early and were stuck mid-metamorphoses.

[PERV-SPEAK: One of the best happenings in my middle school career was a scene I witnessed one day in my seventh grade science class. Class had just started and in walked in a tardy female student. She was a known troublemaker, a rebel of the establishment. If not for the oversized, aviator style glasses I wore back in the day, my eyes would have jumped from their sockets and leaped across the room. In she walked wearing a red flannel half shirt (must have been a “custom” made jobbie, I’ve never seen a flannel shirt like that before and haven't since). The bottoms of her large, bountiful breasts, covered by a white silky bra of course, were exposed where the shirt ended. Needless to say, I’m not really sure what the lesson plan was that day. Unfortunately, that was as close as I got to see breasts that year. I’m sure that it’s a sad occurrence when young girls are burdened with large, bouncy fun bags. As a hard up (pre)teen boy, it’s hard to believe anything bad could come from something so wonderful. As a father who is currently expecting his next child, a child who has yet to be discovered to be a boy or a girl, I have to say that girls like her scare the hell out of me! Oh please, oh please, be a boy!]

It was just another day in my English class. Throughout my school career, English was one of my favorite subjects. Given my rather limited vocabulary, poor grammar and tendency to misuse words, you may be surprised that I’ve even attended such a class. There was nothing special about my seventh grade English teacher; she was an older lady who taught from the “old school” and wasn’t with it when it came to the youth. It wasn’t her teaching technique that had forever etched her class on these little gray cells of mine. No, it was because of just one incident. An incident involving a girl. We had just finished reading some story in class. I remember neither the name of the story or a any quotes, I only have a vague recollection that the story dealt role reversals of men and women in society. To demonstrate the point, the teacher called on volunteers to come in front of the class and act out some scenes. The teacher first called on girls to volunteer, a lovely young girl, who we’ll call Emily, was selected. Then the teacher called for boy volunteers. Apparently not raising your hand and raising your hand are one in the same as I was also selected. So, there I was, in front of the class with this extremely cute girl by my side and then the bomb was dropped. “Emily, I would like you to ask Mike out. Like you would for a date.” Immediately, I was flushed with embarrassment and retreated inside. Oh boy, shy is an understatement. After a brief pause and a deep breath Emily ask, “So, Mike, do you like to…” Oh, bless her. She tried. She asked about my interest in television, sports, movies, books, going to the local park. Nothing. To every question, I’d reply with a quick “No”, “Don’t really like that”, or “I’m not really into that.” I would have been totally out of my comfort zone talking with her like that one on one, let alone in front of the entire class! Finally, after I had turned down one suggestion too many, the teacher stepped in and suggested that I just go with it. “So, do you like baseball?” There was a bit of annoyance in her voice. “Yeah, it’s ok.” Mumbled it, but successful! “I have a couple of tickets to the Red Sox’s, would you like to go to the game with me?” “Sure.” And, scene. The teacher called for applause and we were allowed to return to our seats. Her friends comforted her upon her return and I took the walk of shame back to my seat, object of ridicule. The whole skit seemed to have lasted an hour but was probably only ten minutes. I never pursued Emily and, oddly enough, she never pursued me. She hung out with the jockish kids and seemed pretty much unapproachable to a kid like me. After the Middle School she went on to the Greenfield High School. I haven’t seen her since. I wonder if she remembers that oddball kid who she stood in front of an English class with her, unwilling to be asked out!

Need a laugh?

Greenfield, Massachusetts Like your local news presented in an unintentionally comical way? Full of flubs, misspeaking and lame attempts at comedy? Dig fake conversations at the end of the show? Then check out Springfield's Choice for local news, CBS 3 WSHM! Last winter, they stuck their weatherman out of the "CBS TV 3 Weather Patio" to report the weather. He was out there with his little blue earmuffs and rosey cheeks. I haven't seen that Weather Patio guy in a while, the new weather guy is kept in studio. They have some news clips of their stories on their website, CBS3Online.com. None of their flub up ones, though. I just happened to be driving down to the Dunkin Donuts for a coffee when I saw the SUV. She seems like a pretty decent drive, notice the perfect stop at the stop line. Oh well. I took the shot, went into the shop and asked for a large French Vanilla Coffee. "So, that was one iced coffee?" the prepubescent clerk asked. "Heh. No," I snipped. I drink only hot coffee - Iced coffee is an abomination! A different guy prepared my coffee. With a smile he said, "He didn't say iced coffee." The coffee was too hot to sip but would be at the perfect temperature once I got back to the office. Fast forward the getting back in the car, driving, getting out, and entering the building. I switched hands with the coffee and finagled with the security pass. I was almost there when disaster struck. As I walked past the water fountain, the bottom of the coffee cut hit the mouth piece of the fountain and it flipped out of my hand... spilling on the carpet! I looked both ways, no one was around so I jogged up to my cube leaving the carpet wet and smelling of french vanilla. I really wanted that coffee, too!

Weekend News Wrap-up

[ STAMFORD ADVOCATE ] Surcharge to be tacked on traffic tickets for towns and cities "It definitely happened under the radar screen," said state Rep. Michael Lawlor, D-East Haven, who voted against the measure because he considered the bill "extremely simplistic and not well-written." [ DAILYKOS ] Ted Stevens on the internets This is the funniest thing I've heard in a while. It ranks right up with a school buddy explaining to a dunce how email worked. "It's kind of like a fax machine." You had to be there. (Still searching for a sound bite.) [ YAHOO ] Large asteroid zips harmlessly past Earth I wonder how many times we've almost been wiped out over the years. [ INFINITYLABS ] Invisible Cloaks in Action - Video Demonstrations Not quite invisible, more like semi-translucent. Is it real? [ OHIO ] Man serves year in Iraq because of military clerical error Insert Clerks joke here. [ CNN ] Enron founder Ken Lay dies I'm not sure what to say to that. I'm sure there's a joke there somewhere. How'd he die? Who knows? Everyone seems to have a theory. [ ONE RED PAPERCLIP ] 503 Main Street Wow. Mission accomplished. The BlogSpot domain is blocked at my work, maybe yours too. In a nutshell, the guy started with a paperclip and has been trading. Ahh, the Internet. [ NYDAILYNEWS ] Greedy funeral firm treats sanit vet 'like garbage' The headline wasn't too objective. If you take a step back and look at it from the funeral homes point of view, it was a $8600 bill. Would you not want your money? Verbal agreements mean nothing. Had they presented an assignment of benefits to the home there would not have been a problem. Just a lame story. [ MAINICHI-MSN ] Shibuya's sleazy happening bars offer chaotic, erotic action at bargain prices I wonder if Tucker Max has a story that could top this. [ YAHOO ] Jailed Mafia boss to have in-vitro baby Seems like a perfect situation. I like this quote, “Madonia, who comes from a family of renowned Mafia bosses, got married in jail in 1992. Investigators were baffled when the couple's first child was born in 2000, while Madonia was already in detention and was theoretically barred from having any private encounter with his wife.”

Sunday Bloody Sunday - LuLu.TV

Someone had too much time on their hands. Enjoy.

Greenfield Fireworks 2006

Greenfield, Massachusetts Went to the fireworks last night with my son. They were decent. Better late than never.

Fun facts about me

I was updating my MySpace page and thought I'd also post this here.

• I'm a breast man.
• I've never had an STD but have been around the block.
• I've never cheated on a girlfriend or my spouse but I've been cheated on by an Ex.
• I suffer from (idiopathic) insomnia. Pending actual diagnosis.
• I have one tattoo, Venom spider, left arm.
• I have a birthmark on my back in the shape of a fish.
• I have a third nipple. It's below the one on the left. Really!
• As a child, a deciduous lower central and lower lateral incisor fused and erupted as a double tooth. When it fell out only one tooth took its place. So, while you have four bottom front teeth, I have three.
• Had my first bar experience 12/21/05. Memorable.
• I work for an insurance company as a Customer Service Representative. I'm not much for this customer service fad. I'm not qualified to work there and am a pretty lousy employee but I make a ridiculous amount money for the work I do. God Bless America.

Nothing else you need to know except, make the check out to cash!

TourettesGuy video - YouTube

This is what I imagine my buddy DorkyKid to have grown into. Video should be considered NSFW. Check out all the videos at TourettesGuy.com. I laughed to tears at this guy's videos! I suppose if I were a better person I'd feel bad. Yeah, if I only I were...

On selling out...

Just wanted to drop a quick line. I'm trying ads. Just want to see what I'll bring in after two months. If I decide it's not worth it, they'll be gone. If I actually bring in any dough, I'll keep the services that work and drop the others. Right now I'm using Google AdSense, Kontera and Adult Friend finder (honestly, I love breasts). I'm not using any lame service that has pop-ups. I'm totally against the pop-up. I would use BlogAds but they changed to a sponsor type signup and I don't know what that entails. If you use BlogAds and get a kickback for referral or sponsor drop me a line. Any thoughts? Hate it, love it, better ad service?

This week in God

Part twenty-four of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They usually update their sign weekly but it's a repeat this week. Enjoy the leftovers! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Baptist Church

FAITH IS NOT A LEAP INTO THE DARK BUT A STEP INTO THE LIGHT!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

The day after the day before yesterday

Did everyone celebrate his or her independence yesterday? I do everyday, so it was just another day in the life of Mike. Here's how things went down. One of my favorite things about owning my own home is the ability to grill outside and as tradition requires, I planned to barbeque. I believe after the signing of the Declaration of Independence John Hancock fired up the ol’ barbeque pit, Thomas Jefferson invited over some ladies, one of the guys who scribble their name tossed on some steaks and everyone cracked open a few beers. Look it up. Unfortunately, I had no hotdogs or any meat to speak of, so I rounded up the family and set out to find an open store. Before we left, we decided that we’d eat lunch out – my wife and I were craving turkey clubs but were too lazy to make them for ourselves. You know how it is. Had we thought of it sooner, we would have looked into eating at the Shady Glenn. They’re food is awesome. Instead we patronized Bickford’s Family Restaurant in Greenfield. Bickford’s is a scab on the backside of Greenfield that I just can’t help but pick at. Here, look at these forks. You can’t help but laugh! The dollar store across the street has a four or eight pack of matching forks. (I’d provide the price they’re selling at but if you can’t figure that out I don’t care for you as a person.) What’s their excuse?! I do have to admit that the service was particularly decent on this day. They pulled out their best C+ game. As I took my first bite of the over toasted club, light reflected from the bald spot of a man who sat the booth behind ours. There was something about that fluffy gray hair, the bald spot and the slouch that seemed familiar. Hella familiar. The light bulb suddenly clicked on and I knew who it was, it was so obvious! With a purple crayon, given to my son to draw on those placemats they provide, I wrote a note on a napkin and passed it to my wife, who scoffed and crumbled the napkin up.

DALTON ATHEY Dalton was in the company of another gentleman and the two were in a heated conversation. I couldn’t take a picture, so no picture proof. Sometimes even I have a pang of conscience and think I may be too obsessive with my picture taking. Dalton’s companion frequently made nervous eye contact with me – he looked shady, I look like a cop. There’s a reason I get the high and tight. Instant respect and intimidation, believe it! [ Since I couldn’t take a picture of the man, I present to you the man’s drink. Note the lemon. ] From what I overheard of the duo’s conversation, they were plotting ways to show up the Mayor – you know, the one who won the election while he was the loser, the one who lost, the one which failed to gain the support of the public. Also based on what I overheard, I could call him a sore loser pissy diaper pants head but I won’t. What I will say is, Get over it! When George Bush lost not one but both elections did you see him sitting around and complaining? No! He did something about it! I’d also say it’s not so smart to discuss political strategy in a public place like that. You never know who could be carrying a recording device… Full from lunch and with dinner on my mind, we left Bickford’s and set off for the grocery store. As we were en route, my wife exclaimed, “Hey isn’t that DorkyKid?!” (Okay, that’s obviously not his real name but herein he will be referred to as such. Can’t have him stumbling upon this story under the impression we’re still best buddies or that I occasionally still think of him.) I looked over to the Exxon station’s lot and saw an overweight kid, in matching brown t-shirt and shorts, waddling to his car after he apparently bought some gasoline. I couldn’t tell for sure who it was. He could have been DorkyKid. Having nothing to do and never one to pass up an opportunity to covertly stalk, I pulled into the DMV parking to and turned back. So, I pulled into the Exxon but the suspected DorkyKid was already in his car, driving away. Another brief glimpse of him but again, unable to identify him. He pulled out onto Main Street and I followed in hot pursuit. “If that’s him,” I said as I flipped down the visor, “I don’t really want him recognizing me.” My wife followed suit and flipped hers down, too. We followed him, at a safe distance, down Main Street and then down Federal Street. We kept a safe distance not only because of the fear of identification but also because the kid is a horrible driver! Weaving, jerking, slowing down then speeding up, resting his foot on the brakes. We continued to follow him until he pulled into the Cumberland Farms, where he stopped at a gas pump. I continued on and drove past him, trying to watch as he exited the vehicle. Unfortunately, the flow of traffic prevented a slow drive-by. Pulling a donut in the parking lot of Subway, I sped back to Cumberland Farms, pulled into the parking lot and took a space. Waited. Waited. Then I was bit by the bug of curiosity and wondered aloud, “What the hell is he getting gas again for?” As if on cue, suspected DorkyKid exited and waddled over to the pump. This time I got a good look at him. He was not my ex-school chum; he was not DorkyKid. But I’ll be damned if he didn’t look like him! The grocery store was uneventful. Straight in and out, mission accomplished. Before long we were back home and enjoying the company of each other. All in all, we had a pretty decent day. Sometime after six I fired up the grill and threw on the hotdogs and some ears of corn. Grilled corn isn’t that bad, it was the first time I cooked corn on the grill. In closing, you may have noticed I did not mention fireworks. They were scheduled for last weekend but due to in climate weather were postponed until this Saturday. I’ll be sure to post picture from that event. Hope you made the most out of your Independence day. Peace out.