I suppose if I liked it, it wouldn't be work and they wouldn't pay me

This is Mike. Have I told you how much I hate love my job today? Well, I do. I really, really do! And just a moment while I setup this post. Thank you. Well, lets see. Here are some quotes from a few calls I received today, after which I spent the remaining time of the work day surfing the company's intranet for a different position I could tranfer to and using Mapquest to get directions from my house in Massachusetts to the other office in Connecicut. I'd be willing to drive the hour or so for a different position. Like my real calls, I'm having trouble working in both the Please and the Thank you into this spoofy opening. I didn't ask for you name, that's another point against me. Maybe I can wrap it up within department guidelines. Anyway, on with the calls... Me: "This is Mike. How can I help you?" Caller: "Mark? Did you say your name was Mark?"

No, damn it! MIKE! Ever since I was a child I was called names I didn't want to be. I don't care for Mikey, Mitch, or Michael. I prefer Mike, Henry or not to be named at all actually. Sometimes my wife calls me Mikey Eddie Weirdo, I suppose that's fine too. Also, why do you need to know my name? I'm a lowly peon with no decision making powers at all, I just read off the monitor what the man tells me to read. Even with my name, it will do you no good. Mentioning my name during a call will get you little more than a chuckle.

Me: "May I have your..." social security #, account #, brokerage information, etc. Caller: "I knew you were going to ask me for that! I should of had it ready." (Annoying chuckle to follow.)

Yo, psychic asshole, bet you can't guess what I'm saying about you while I put you on MUTE!

Me: Providing information on benefits. Caller: "Say what now?"

I've noticed this is a Georgian-thing. Years ago when I worked in dental insurance I answered calls from Georgia and apparently you people don't brush your teeth. I have no actual data on this but I'm fairly sure the per capita ratio for dentures is pretty high there.

Me: "I'm sorry, that office is currently closed. If you like I can request a callback or if you can call back before 5pm you can speak with them directly." Caller: "It's not 5pm here."

Yeah, it's not 5pm in California or where you're calling from but it's after 5pm here and we're what matters. There is a reason they include those three letters after the time, we have TIME ZONES. Maybe you've heard of Eastern Standard Time?

Me: "Thank you. And, may I have you social security number?" Caller: They've responded in three ways...

1. The final four. "1234," ackward pause. I wait until they add, "That's my last four." I didn't ask for the last four. I don't give a shit if you think someones tapping your phone, waiting for the very moment your calling your insurance company to steal your social security number.
2. The rapid fire response. "Fou-ifty-Ni-Seventy. One." Of course I'll have to ask for it again and they'll respond put off like I should have been able to follow along.
3. The bad dancer. They have no rhythm. Everyone in the business knows there is a rhythm to giving social security and phone numbers. They'll give their social as "Forty-eight. Two thiry-one. Sixteen. One. Six." When the rhythm should be "Da Da Da. Do Do. De De Da Do."
4. The asshat. "You mean my soch (so-shh)?" Stop calling it that! If you want to make up your own words like a baby, I'll treat you like one and shake you.

Me: "Your claim is pending the receipt of the medical information. Once received the review for benefits can begin." Caller: Tearful but angry. "Whenever I try to use these benefits I'm given the god damned run around. You people are sure quick to that the money out of my hard earned check every week!"

Why yes, yes we are and thanks for your call. And not only do I personally collect the money weekly from your check but I then go and blow it on the McDonald's Dollar Menu. I've also noticed your requested deductions will actually leave you owing in at the end of the year. I've taken the liberty of submitting a corrected W4. You're welcome.

Was there anything else I can help you with? Ok, you have a good day then.