To hear myself talk... Boring site talk...

So, I'm not really digging this template's layout. It's a merger of two of Blogger's generic templates. I want something playful, easy to navigate and professional. Anyone have any ideas? Do you want to design a basic layout using CSS and send it to me? I'll give you credit for it. I'm not so good with color schemes... as you might have guessed.

These are some sites I dig and use for inspiration: Cockeyed.com, big inspiration. Must visit. Alltooflat.com/ Another really awesome site. The Best Page in the Universe (book is preordered) Word's can't express. Eric Conveys an Emotion idontlikeyouinthatway.com

Also, if you want to be part of this lovely website as, say, a contributer or co-writer drop me a line. I get a pretty good number of visitors, feedburner readership varies. If you're funny and want to be a part of this wacky blog or if you want to collaborate on something bigger, let me know. What's new on this side of the tracks?

- Well, tommorrow I should be getting a tattoo. Pictures and story to follow. - I'm working on a story about an encounter with Super Bill aka the Pushup King(self proclaimed) - Next Thursday we're off to New York for a family vacation. Tourist suggestions? - My lower wisdom teeth are set to be yanked. Pictures and story? Maybe, I'm addicted.

Peace.

This week in God

Part ten of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Bapist Church

LIFE IS AN ECHO WHAT YOU SEND OUT IS WHAT YOU GET BACK!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

TEiN Breaking News: Jill Carroll Released!

From day one, this story never sat well with me. I don’t feel like we’re getting the whole truth out of this situation. It doesn’t seem to me like it was real. She was threatened with death, twice, but was never abused while in custody. Deadlines came and past, yet she is somehow still alive then released for no apparent reason. Her kidnappers were some group of nobodies called the Revenge Brigades. The who? Exactly. No one heard of them before this. From the reports that are coming out, they don’t sound very experienced in the kidnapping business – permitting the use of a shower, furnished room, access at least once to a television and a newspaper. “I felt I was not free. It was difficult because I didn’t know what would happen to me,” she said. Also, according to my radio goddess, Randi Rhodes, this group's kidnapping actually delayed the already pending release of Iraqi women who were jailed. What was gained? I don’t have any proof to make the accusation that this was staged but… P.S. Glad you’re alive. On a side note, I’m glad I’m a man in America. I can’t begin to imagine how American women, who travel to the Islamic/Arabic countries, handle the loss of their freedoms and being made to wear the headscarves and robes! I don’t really understand societies that aren’t “free.” Peace. Related sites: [ MSN ] American hostage Jill Carroll freed in Iraq [ CNN ] Carroll walks unharmed into Sunni party office [ CSMONITOR ] Jill Carroll: finally free

Tom goes to the Hospital

Did you hear? Tim, co-creator of Tom goes to the Mayor, was stabbed last thursday! Oh, shirt! Please, please - You have to read his story about the events that unfolded. I can almost imagine that happening to me when I lived in the apartment in Turners Falls. I had some pretty nutty neighbors. You have to admit, that's one hell of a damned good excuse for getting caught in a gay bar by your girlfriend! Rats off to you, Tim.

I think his story would make a pretty funny scene in a movie. Here's my brief screenplay. I don't know what leads up to this point, but I already know the ending. It's the part that makes your face implode. I don't know what makes your face implode but that's the way the movie ends. Anyway. Here goes. I'm picturing the old lady from the Andy Milonakis Show pounding on Andy Richter's door, the hero of the story. "Yeah, Yeah. I'm coming!" Andy says as he's rumaging in a pile of clothes. The door opens, he's in a suit & tie. The old lady is at the door. "It's my son! You have to help him!" "What it is lady?" he asks. She jumps an old lady jump, "you have to help him!" "Oh, Jimmity!" He shakes his head and proceeds to jog up the stairs. He approaches an open door. "Hey, champ? You in there?" He hears a grunting or snorting sound. "You in here kid?" The grunting sounds continue. The camera zooms in on his eyes which are darting back and forth. Suddenly there is a galloping noise and a knife wielding guy appears before him. Andy's eyes widen. The guy would have to be played by a bearded Brian Posehn. "In the year 2000," the guy chants. "Zome bodys gonna die." Then charges. Background music slowly increases in volume. Its the non-lyric version of They Might Be Giant's Bastard Wants to Hit me. (Check out the flash video on the website, it's great.) "Oh, snap!" Andy yells and runs out of the door, down the stairs. He calls back, "Hey, don't run with knives man!" The chase continues out the building and down the street. First they pass a juice bar with a bunch of kids. Then they pass by a "leather" gay bar, Andy stops for a moment then decides not to stop and keeps on. He then stops infront of a strip club and yells, "Oh, god! Knife!" He tries to run in past the bouncer but he is pushed back. The bouncer would have to be played by Ving Rhames. "Nice try, buddy. Didn't work for that guy and it won't work for you!" He points his thumb at a bum with a fake knife sticking out of his head. Andy turns and the knife wielding psycho would be right behind him. The knife is raised and comes down in a stabbing gesture. Fade to black. I don't have the next scene worked out yet. What do you think?

Weekend News Wrap-up

A new feature? Yup! I've decided to add another guaranteed weekly update. Every Sunday I'll be posting the Top 10 news stories that I thought were interesting over the past week - Monday to Sunday. Links pop. Like zits.

---

[ NEWSDAY ] Getting grilled over hot rumor / Long Island This story was right up my alley, rumors spread and the end result was a community came together to show support for a favored resturant. I wish rumors had surfaced over Bickford's.

[ NTNEWS ] Free beer for toads / Australia Free beer for turning in the Toads, then the toads are killed by an overdose of barbituates. That's pretty much the whole story.

[ THEINQUIRER ] Google beats off the government / NY? I've been following this story since I heard about it. It's not a total victory for Google but at least it's an inconvenience to those idiots at the Dept. of Justice.

[ WFTV9 ] Christian Wrestlers Body Slam For God / Georgia I've been waiting for this! First - Christian Rock, now - Christian Wrestling! I wonder what their overly dramatic storylines will be?

[ ROCKEFELLER ] When mice choose mates, experience counts In regards to people, my wife has been telling me this for years! This little gold band is like a chick-magnet.

[ MSN ] Japan's 'second virgins' are camels in a dry spell Good to hear that is one of that country's biggest problems.

[ SFGATE ] Member of notorious Nut Cases gang found guilty / California Sure, any killing is tragic but come on Nut Cases gang? Their gang tattoo was Mr. Peanut! No, really according to the story it is! Al Capone was convicted of tax evasion and sentenced for 11 years. If the murder charges don't stick, get them on copyright infringement!

[ CBSNEWS ] Alligator Knocks on Fla. Woman's Door / Florida When I heard this story, the first thing to pop in my head was, "I hope that's not my mother!" It wasn't but I could still pretty much imagine how my mother would have handled the situation.

[ KUTV ] Naked Utah Woman Jumps Into Stranger's Shower / Utah "Man, nothing like that ever happens here! Hey, hun, get this - a women got into an argument with neighbors or something then ripped off her clothes. Naked, she hops in her car then drove someplace and walks into the strangers house. She started to take a shower. Then.. eww." The nappy picture didn't take away from the story but why the "throwing" of urine? And how does one throw it?

[ ABCNEWS ] Case Dropped Against Afghan Christian / Afghanistan ...and his body will never been seen again.

This week in God

Part nine of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Bapist Church

SATURDAY NIGHT ALIVE MARCH 25 630 TO 830PM ALL WELCOME

Nothing funny again today, sorry. They used their announcment board for an actual announcement, again! [ I wonder if this is like a séance or something. Anyone want to by my L.L. and go spy on the plastics then report back? ]

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

Michael Henry is eye candy...

I try not to take my shirt off often because I'm much, much too sexy for my own good. I'm not another piece of meat, ladies! My eyes are up here! [ I'm not really sure who's body this is but thanks for the hard work! You can have it back when I'm finished with it! ] 419x640 28kb JPEG Format © 2006 Michael E. Henry, All rights reserved.

I must have missed the punchline...

Greenfield, Massachusetts Last night as I was leaving Suzee's Third Street Laundry after having picked up my laundry, a truck blew by me and I noticed something spray painted on it's tailgate. Wait.. did that just say...? It was a blur and I didn't know exactly what I had just read. I just happened to run across the truck again today in the Home Depot parking lot. He must be a riot at parties! [ Notice the background? She's pretty clingy and keeps following me around! YEAH, I SEE YOU BACK THERE! It's over! Believe it! ]

He hath spoke...

Church Street, Millers Falls, Ma. I can't believe this sign was right down the road from me! It appears someone thought they were above the law and defaced a no parking sign. You can find new signs on eBay for under five dollars for heaven's sake! Props to the wife for pointing the sign out to me!

Avalanche or roadblock I was a snowball in hell Avalanche or roadblock A jailer trapped in his cell ~They Might Be Giants

Take heed...

426 Russell Street / Rt 9, Hadley, MA Handicap spots need these kind of warnings, too. If they did, I know I'd stop parking in them!

Some crazy bastard wants to hit me He's waving me over so he can hit me But I don't know that guy But I'm not going over there Some crazy bastard wants to hit me ~They Might Be Giants

Why lie... I need a pie!

I've talked about doing this for a while now and yesterday, since I had nothing better to do on my lunch break, I decided to try my hand at panhandling. My target: McDonalds. My goal: enough change to buy a baked apple pie. Many moons ago, Rob Cockerham of Cockeyed.com posted a link to a panhandling banana’s blog. That blog was great, basically in a nut shell it documents his experiment on how much money can actually be made panhandling. His gimmick is the comedic sayings on the signs and his costumes. I found it really entertaining. Check it out, click his ads and be sure to watch the trailer for the documentary he's working on. When it comes out I'll be picking up a copy, you should too! [ Word of warning: the link redirects to the domain of RockAss.net. My content filter at work blocks the domain stating the contents are categorized as "pornography." Either it was once a failed porn domain or it just tripped the filter because of "ass." But it's not porn, I swear! ] Yesterday morning, before work, I made sure to grab the extra Pizzeria Uno box and some markers. I cut the box all apart, I kept the type-o guarantee section for the top and posted it on my cubicle wall. Can't waste that comedic gold. The bottom was used for the sign. I imagine myself as a funny person. I can throw out one-liners and zingers with the best of them but when I try to be funny, I draw a blank. It was hard to come up with a sign that would invoke the giving of money ( a silver shower, perhaps?) as well as get its fair share of chuckles. SUPERSIZED BUT STILL HUNGRY I WANT PIE! PLEASE HELP! ~GOD BLESS I know, I know - McDonald's doesn't super size anymore but it sounded better than I "large sized" it. Also, the term "Super Size" is synonymous with McDonald's. I kind of miss the gigantic mound of french fries and the mighty bucket they filled with Coca-Cola. Those were the days... but then that damned documentary Super Size Me came out. While I found it very entertaining, I have to disagree with the way he went about it. That guy was a borderline vegan vegetarian when he started the experiment and dove right in to eating red meat and greasy food. Of course he'd have that kind of reaction! I, on the other hand, could easily handle a thirty day fastfood-a-thon but no one would pay to see that... would they? Oh, well. [ Damn it all. You know what? As I was typing up this story, a better sign idea hit me! "I'm a mighty kid. Spare a buck?" Oh, well. Also, "Happy meal, not so happy. Brighten my day?" ] I was on the late lunch this week, 1:35 to 2:05 but luckily that is still in the lunch rush time frame. As the clock hit 1:35 I packed up my camera, tripod and sign then made my way over to the Mohawk Trail restaurant. Before I setup with the sign, I made sure to check out if there were any no solicitation signs or no trespassing type signs. There were none! SCORE! Standing outside with just the sign didn't work that well. I got a few looks and some chuckles but my pockets were empty. The idea light bulb clicked on and I remembered that I had an old McDonald's cup in my car. That cup tipped the scales in my favor, friends. Panhandlers are generally regarded as dirty people that no one would want to be in actual contact with. I figured a cup would give them the ability of giving change without actually touching dirty ol' me! I can't believe this actually worked! The first few minutes of smirks and laughs turned to at least ten minutes of sporadic change deposits! My largest donation was from an old couple. They gave me thirty-five cents. A guy who dropped a nickel and some pennies in the cup asked me, "I'm not going to be on FOX news, am I?" I giggled at his little joke but suddenly I began to shake. The out-of-body spirit of William O'Reilly possessed my body. Out of control, I began spewing "You pin head! Pin heads! Everyone is a pin head! Pin head.. Pin.." I regained control and thanked him for his donation. There were a few more clunks in the cup. I didn't have a clock but it felt like time was running out and my lunch break was almost over. I picked up all my junk and loaded it into my car. My take was.. get this... seventy-two cents! Sweet! I had made enough for one pie! I entered the restaurant and purchased my prize. To the victor go the spoils! I put the rest of the money in the little donation bin - let them eat pie, too! Stay in school kids, and one day you can grow up to be just like me! Today was Saint Patrick's day. This gave me an idea for another sign. A sign that could only work for a day like this. (Tomorrow I suppose I could have a sign stating "Lost the Luck of the Irish and my job. Spare a buck?" But the weekends are me time and that won't happen. ) I DONT HAVE THE LUCK OF THE IRISH SPARE A BUCK? OR GOLD DUBLOON GOD BLESS I chickened out on my lunch break. If I was really in need of the money, I suppose I would have just sucked it up and plopped down anywhere with lots of traffic. But seeing as how this is really just a joke, I really didn't know where I could go. I wanted a place that was high visibility. I drove around Greenfield trying to seek a suitable location. I thought maybe the Town Common but there was a bus that had just unloaded at the Town Hall and I lost my nerve. So I returned to my office unsuccessful.A co-worker suggested the Dunkin' Donuts on the Mohawk Trail. On my afternoon break I setup outside in front of the intersection. I got a few honks but no cash. Oh well. Maybe someday when I'm hankering fer a hunk o', a slab, a slice, a chunk o', if I'm hankering for a slice o' pie I'll try... again. Peace friends.

This week in God

Part eight of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Bapist Church

MIDNIGHT CRY! MARCH 17 8PM to 2AM ALL WELCOME

Nothing funny today. They actually used their announcment board for an actual announcement.

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

The Reverend Michael E. Henry speaks...

Check out these duds.. You have to look the part or else no one will take you seriously. I've printed several copies of my creditials so I'll always have one with me. When the collection plate comes back, hopefully I'll have made the $13 bucks for the laminated wallet card! As my first act as Reverend, I will proclaim to you...

All souls repent, the End of the World is Nigh is Now!

The Reverend Michael E. Henry

According to The Universal Life Church Monastery I can now perform weddings, funerals, baptisms, house blessings and whatever else reverends can do! Anyone one want to get married? I'll under cut your current minister / justice of the peace's cost by half! Please address me as the Reverend Michael Henry or merely as Reverend (friends can still call me Sir.) I'll be passing around the collection plate now, my brothers and sisters, so please give whatever you can to help support the cause! I leave you now to spread the word. Godbless.

I chopped just one tree. I am doing no harm.

Devens Street, Greenfield, Massachusetts.

And deep in the Grickle-grass, some people say, if you look deep enough you can still see, today, where the Lorax once stood just as long as it could before somebody lifted the Lorax away. ~The Lorax by Dr. Seuss

This week in God

Part seven of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Bapist Church

LIFE OFFERS MANY CHOICES DEATH ONLY TWO!

Wow! I'll say it again and backwards, Wow! We should assume they're referring to Heaven and Hell, right? They're missing the third option: worm food.

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

Breaking news in Turners Falls..

"We now go to Michael Henry, reporting live via telephone." [Small picture of Mike in upper right hand corner.] "Thank you, Chuck and Diane. I am here on Third Street in Turners Falls where a two car accident has closed the road. Some time before 8:30pm there was a collision between a late model black pickup truck and a green mini-van." Camera zooms slowly into Diane: "Mike, is there any news on the drivers or the cause?" Audio only: "Diane, paramedics are currently treating the occupents of both vechicles and Police are working on crowd control. They are not commenting at this time. Several tenents from the surrounding apartment buildings and some bar patrons have gathered on the sidewalks observing the accident. Viewers should take notice that Third Street, from the Hallmark Museum to the Exxon gas station is currently closed. The accident itself is directly infront of Suzee's Third Street Laundry. This is Mike, reporting live from Suzee's Third Street Laundry - Chuck and Diane, back to you." "Thanks Mike, scary stuff huh Diane?" inquires Chuck. "You got that right. Looks like we need to update that picture of Mike's! The only photo we had was his intern photo? What's that... from like six years ago?!" Diane giggles. "Get a hair cut, hippy!" Off camera, a producer shouts. "It was the best we had on short notice!" Fin. P.S. ...I hope you're not dead. P.P.S. This had to happen in front of me when I didn't have my camera! Damn it all! I once again, take the Cockeyed vow to always bring my camera!

The drying of the wick

It was early in the year of 1993. My mother was finishing up in nursing school to become a licensed practical nurse. My brother and I had a lot of free time during that time, unsupervised time and we did stupid things when we were unsupervised. One day, we found a couple of my father’s forgotten M80s. They looked pretty old, so they could have been left overs from 1976 when the last “real” ones were sold off and banned. My brother’s friend was over and we were deciding what to do with them. Returning them to where we found them was never an option. We were in the kitchen with one of our parent’s mini-kerosene lamps going. There was no reason for the lamp to be on except I liked fire. I took the glass shade off the lamp and held the wick of one M80 over it. It wasn’t touching the flame at all, I held it probably two inches above the flame. “What the hell are you doing?!” They exclaimed in unison at me. “I’m just drying the wick. I’m not going to light it, relax!” Yeah, drying the wick of fifteen to twenty year old firecracker. Tssssssss… The damn thing lit! My brother’s friend, who was in a walkway between the kitchen and the living room, dove into the living room. My brother ran out of the kitchen into the dining room. I was left there with firecracker in hand, watching the wick burn down. The sink was full of dishes and there were none with any water or liquid in them. I tried to snuff it out with my fingers, but I chickened out when the heat hit my finger and thumb. I didn’t have any options left; it was about to blow, so I tossed the lit firecracker into a pile of grocery bags near the refrigerator and tried to get out of there. But the thing went off before I could make my getaway and all I saw was flash. It had to be a real M80 because the thing knocked me to my ass. See, the M80 was invented by the military to simulate grenade explosions during training missions. When they got popular with civilians, they were deemed dangerous and discontinued. The M80 you could buy today, the legal ones I’m talking, contain 1/40th of the flash powder the originals contained! When my eyes adjusted back to reality, I saw that the pile of bags was decimated. Only a few survived intact, almost all of the bags either had burn holes or were dust. I couldn’t hear much over the ringing sound in my ears. Do deaf people have the ringing sound or is it complete silence? The phone rang and I answered it. It was my neighbor. We lived next to some really noisy people; they were always sticking their noses into things! I could barely hear on the phone so held it really close to my ear. “Hello?” Was I shouting? It felt like I was shouting. “Is everything ok over there? I heard a loud noise - it sounded like an explosion!” “Yeah, its ok. I dropped a box from the top of the refrigerator is all.” From the top of the refrigerator? Oh, please! “A box? But it sounded like an explosion!” “It was a really big box.” “Well, if you need any help picking up the box let us know.” She didn’t believe me. Hell, that was such stupid excuse to use but I was a little out of it. Over the next couple of hours we cleaned the kitchen up and put everything away. We sprayed a ton of air fresher and had all the windows open to air the house out. Pretty soon the outside got to smelling like the air freshener. Our efforts paid off, though, and we were never caught. Never dry a wick, it’s dry enough! Fin.

You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is a test But I confess I like this mess I've made so far Grade on a curve and you'll observe I'm right below the horizon ~They Might Be Giants

The Rabbit Lady

I was about twelve or thirteen at the time the following events unfolded and living in Greenfield. We lived on Western Avenue, a street that connects the ends of West Street and Phillips Street. It was usually pretty quiet. One day, a neighbor from Phillips Street came a knocking and offered our family a couple of rabbits. I took claim of the rabbits; I was an animal loving child. Putt-Putt gave my father some mesh wire and he built an awesome hutch. My mother brought me to the pet store and we had the rabbits checked out. It was determined they were both boys and pretty healthy. We also picked up some rabbit pellets, a waterbottle, a salt lick and some straw for bedding. She then took me to the Greenfield Public Library and I took out a book about caring for rabbits. A couple of weeks later both of the rabbits were dead. My father found a place where they were selling Holland lops and drove me out to pick out a few. I believe we bought three. Within a week, a couple of them passed away. I took the sole survivor out and put him in a pen on the porch. Why were these creatures dying so quickly?! I consulted the book from the library and happened to see a warning about the wire used in hutch construction. It stated to avoid lead soldered wire. I checked with Putt-Putt, he believed it was lead soldered. They were being poisoned! I kept the surviving rabbit in the pen on the porch for a while. I named him Einstein. He was a great rabbit, very easy going and very smart. He would come when you called his name just like a little dog. A friend of my mother’s had a cousin who wanted to give away their rabbits and hutches. We happily took them in. They were a breed of mini-rex; one was red and white and the other was black and white. They were also mean rabbits. About the time the new rabbits were given to me, my mother went into labor and was admitted in the hospital. She was pregnant with twins and, I believe, my brother and sister weren’t expected for another eight weeks. She delivered at the Franklin Medical Center but they were all then transferred down to Baystate Medical Center in Springfield as my sibilings were premature. Springfield's Neonatal care unit is the best in the area. They were there for a few weeks until my brother and sister were healthy enough to come home. I really enjoyed raising these rabbits. During the winter, I used the extra formula from the twins to fatten the rabbits up. I did lose one of the rabbits given to me during the first winter, but he was really old. Einstein took the pen after it was thoroughly cleaned out. Over the next few months, I bred Einstein and the other rex. They had some litters. The rabbits all had beautiful fur, since I mixed the breeds all the rabbits of the litter were a little different. Einstein was a lop, meaning the ears are down. A rex isn’t. Some of the rabbits from the litter could hold their ears up while others kept them down. It was really interesting to see the variations. Another few winters had come and gone. It had just turned spring and I was outside cleaning out the cage of the rabbit in the tall hutch, when I found something odd. There was freshly picked grass in the nesting area. It was probably just my brother or sister trying to act like their big brother. The next day, there was more in there. I questioned them but they looked at me like I was a nut, they had no idea what I was talking about. Over the next week more weird stuff would show up in the cages. There were rocks and sticks, more grass, and some flowers. Who the hell was messing with my rabbits?! I decided to do a stake out. The hutches were on the side of the house below a window that was on the stairway. I set myself up and kept watch for most of the day. There wasn’t that much activity out there except for the occasional dog walker. Our dogs barked as my father came home, so I left my post and went into the kitchen to get a drink and say Hi. When I came back, the perp was out there at the hutches! I ran out the front door and yelled at them. “Hey! Get the heck out of here!” Like a deer in the headlights, the intruder looked at me. She may have been holding a green dog bone, but she was caught red handed. I recognized her as an older lady from a halfway/assisted living house on the upper half of Phillips Street who walked her dog around the block every day. I didn't know much about those kind of places in my youth, or else I may have been a little more patient with her. She seemed shocked and didn’t say anything as she quickly escaped from our yard. When I went to check on my rabbits, I discovered more dog bones in the hutches! She was trying to feed my rabbits dog bones! I thought she was just holding the green bone for her dog, but she was honestly trying to feed my rabbits dog bones. Unbelievable! She was caught a few more times by me but it wasn’t until my mother let into her that she finally stopped trying to feed the rabbits the dog bones. Fin.

Putt-Putt?

What the hell is a Putt-Putt? He’s my mother’s stepfather. My grandmother and natural grandfather had divorced – before I was born, I believe. He then passed away in 1984 when I was really young. I’m unsure why I never called my grandmother’s husband “grandpa.” I do have some memories of my real grandfather, so that could be part of it. From what I’ve been told, over and over and over again, I was the one who gave the man the name of Putt-Putt. Apparently, one day - before I can remember - while my grandmother was watching me or we were visiting, my grandmother scolded him for "putting" around the house. By "putting" I believe she meant going slow not playing golf. I picked up on the word and started saying “Putt, putt, putt, putt, putt.” Let this be a lesson to you, becareful of what you say infront of little children! We're impressionable! For nineteen or so years he was Putt-Putt but he’s now Great Putt-Putt as my brother and I have had children of our own.

This week in God

Part six of the fifty-two forty-nine part series of my continued coverage of the Faith Baptist Church in Greenfield. They update their sign weekly, usually by Thursday. Last week was a repeat, but we're back with a new installment! Enjoy! Silver Street, Greenfield, Ma. Faith Bapist Church

CHRISTIANITY SHOULD BE A STEERING WHEEL NOT A SPARE TIRE!

You're back with a bang, friends!

Cross post from This week in God :: Read / Post Comments.

The Fishing Story

Here is the infamous fishing story that I tell every once and a while. I think I may have been nine or ten at the time. Some details are a little fuzzy but the important parts are all there. Enjoy! It happened on a weekend in the dead of summer. My brother, a year younger than me, had slowly turned into a fishing fanatic. Fishing had always been a part of our youth. When we were really young and lived in Gill, we’d walk across the street to the river and setup our poles. Also, our Putt-Putt was into fly-fishing and whenever we visited our grandparents, he’d have us tie a fly or two. Sometimes he’d take us fishing, too but we usually went with our father. On this weekend, my brother had convinced our father to take him night fishing and some how I was dragged along. The first stop of the trip was to Highland Pond in Greenfield. I don’t remember exactly if the stop was to grab some minnows for bait or just fish for a while as we waited for night to fall. That pond is pretty trashy now, but back in the day the town actually took care of it and it was a nice place to fish. We’d often go fishing here; you’d always catch a fish – even if it were just a pumpkinseed. Since we fished here so often, this might not have happened on this trip but once my father hooked something he thought was a huge fish. It was pretty exciting because more often than not you’d catch a pumpkinseed. After a long struggle, he finally pulled his prize from the pond and we all had a good laugh – it was not a boot, like you may be expecting but a large snapping turtle! It didn’t take long for my brother to get a knot in his line. He tried to fix it himself but his high-test monophiliment was really tangled, so he brought it over to our father to fix. I, on the other hand, just sat back and caught some more pumpkinseeds. My brother was pestering our father pretty good as he attempted to work the knot and tangles out. The next thing I knew, my father stands up and tossed my brother’s rod into the pond! My father then yelled, “Goddamn it!” Apparently, my father was using something on his key chain to pry the knot apart. When he threw my brother’s rod, he also tossed his keys – the keys to our house and to the car, the ONLY set for his car! Our father proceeded to strip off his boots and shirt – maybe his pants, too. He then walked into the pond. It was much deeper than it looked, it was clear up to his underarms. He waded out to where the pole was partially submerged and tossed it to shore. My brother grabbed it up and started again to work on the knot. I don’t know how long he spent in that pond trying to find those keys but it was all in vain. They were never found and the odds are that they never will be. If you ever happen find a set of keys for a 1979 Chrysler LeBaron at Highland Pond, you know who they belong to! Now let me ask you, when you think you’ve locked your keys in the car, how long does it take before the idea to break a window pops into your head? Me? My foot is through the glass before I even check the handle. How about when you’ve lost the only keys to your car, how long before you consider busting out the ignition and hot wiring the car? My father? It’s the next logical step. On this day, I learned an important life lesson – you cannot efficiently smash out an ignition with just a buck knife, a tire iron and a hammer. After about an hour of banging, I guess one of the surrounding houses called the police and a Greenfield police officer showed up. He asked my father what his story was, my father explained the situation and they exchanged a chuckle or two. “I don’t know how people can do this in only a few minutes!” He told the officer. It was another thirty minutes to an hour before he got the car running again. Even with all that drama, those guys still wanted to go night fishing! There was still daylight to burn, so we packed up at the pond and drove over to another area. I’m not exactly sure where we were. My brother and I waded out into the water with a large net trying to catch minnows for bait – or dinner, if our luck stayed the course. I think we caught maybe two or three. We then drove to our final destination. Again, I’m not exactly sure where we were but it was under a bridge and most likely we were going to be fishing in the Connecticut River. We unloaded our poles from the trunk of the car – the lock to the truck had previously been removed and was opened by using the tire iron, hence the reason the tire iron was available for the ignition smashing. There was a path we walked down from the road to the river. We then setup our poles. I used a bobber and worm so I could just toss it out and not have to pay total attention to it while I was walking along the beachy area. I’m sure one of us must have caught something while we were there but nothing stands out in my mind. As I was screwing around on the beach, I tripped and fell into some bushes. My hands started burning and then exploded with tiny blisters, I ran to the water and dunked them in. I don’t know what hell I touched, could have been poison ivy or could have been something else. The water must have done the trick, as my hands weren’t burning anymore but the blisters were still there. While I was going through my situation with my hands, a police officer yelled down from atop the hill we had just walked down. “Hey, this your car?” he yelled down. Again, my father had to explain the situation. This second run in with the law pretty much ended that fishing trip. The fishing trip also marked the end of my father’s car. Over the next six months to a year, his car was broken into several times. It was also stolen a few times before it eventually was totaled after a theft. He then bought a Chevy Celebrity but that’s another story. Fin.

I took my boat for a car I took that car for a ride I was trying to get somewhere But now I'm following the traces of your fingernails That run along the windshield on the boat of car ~ They Might Be Giants

Sorry, I'm sick.

My faithful readers, I apologize for the lack of an update yesterday! My son and I have been sick for the past couple of days. Yesterday was bad for him, when he finally took a nap he was talking in his sleep. Last night was bad for me, my head was spinning and I had a high fever so my wife sent me to bed. I'm lucky to have a great wife who takes care of me! I did attempt to post a story first but I couldn't type for the life of me. I saved what I was working on and looking back - it was complete gibberish! I laid up in my bed and tried to sleep. My dreams were weird and I was hallucinating. The closet was talking to me! I wish I could remember it all because it would make a good story. The only thing I can remember is the closet was telling me about some conspiracy involving two circular shapes that hold some importance. Weird. My fever just broke so now I'm in a puddle of my own sweat. I hate colds! I've only hallucinated a couple times in my life. Once when I was really young, we were visiting my Father's family in Arkansas. My brother and I were sleeping on the couch. Something spooked me and I called out for my parents. From the other room, a figure glowing in blue started coming at me. I was so scared. It turned out only to be my Grandmother. The other time was also at night. I was overtired and I was looking at my brother's Mr. T head piggy bank. The head started moving and then window in our room came away from the wall. I blame Unsolved Mysteries for most of the nightmares of my youth. Yesterday's story will be up later today. Peace.