No good deed goes unpunished!

The theme this week will be my telling of the stories I'll sometimes ramble on about when at parties. They may or may not be interesting, but they're all true events of from my life. If you don't find them interesting after the first reading, get a tape recorder and record yourself while reading them aloud. Have a beer or three and replay the tape. Its comedic gold! I'll post one or two a day and should have enough for the week. Let me know.

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It was late summer or early fall in the year of 2000. I was sharing an apartment in Turners Falls with my buddy Lee and his cousin Jesse. (Lee and I were like Trey Parker and Matt Stone, we even look like them! If I had a picture of Lee I'd show you - I'm Trey and he's Matt except Lee's got the musical talent but we both share a perverse sense of humor. During the summer, we used my video camera and took a bunch of dumb videos. Had we not had a slight falling out and had he not moved away, we'd be famous. Believe it!) The apartment was a real dive - crack head neighbors that would yell and fight, a jackass of a landlord who we had to hide from as we were violating the lease, and we were above a bar that played loud music until 1am nearly every night. We had no cable and people may or may not have been stealing our electricity. Damn, that place was great! One day after work, I returned home and found a pigeon in our apartment - yes, friends a pigeon and it was on my roommate Jesse's bed! How the hell did it get in? Jesse came in the door a few moments after I did. I let the bird walk around; I was more interested to find out how the dirty thing got in! Jesse helped me look, too but we could not find any openings or any way the bird could have entered. To this day it is a complete mystery but I think it had something to do with our crack head neighbors. (No, they really were crack heads - as in addicted to crack. We spent many a sleepless night listening to those people.) I emptied one of my milk crates I used to hold my weights and dumbells. While I was doing that, Jesse grabbed some newspaper. He directed the bird, which oddly enough was not attempting to fly away, onto the paper. Quickly, I then put the milk crate over him. Together, Jesse and I turned the crate over, making sure the paper was covering the top and walked out the door and down the stairs. We were really careful not to hurt the bird. When we got outside, we put the crate on the ground and flipped it over. The bird walked out to it's freedom. "And stay out!" I added as Jesse and I started up the stairs. It was not 30 seconds later and three cats, all from different directions, pounced on the poor bird. The creature was ripped to shreds in mere moments! A lone feather marked where the creature met its doom. "Dude, did you see that?!" Jesse and I exclaimed at the same time. Fin.

A hardly has an appetite and pokes at food too long
and B can barely bother because all the food is wrong
C likes only candy and chocolate by the box
D is just disinterested in anything you've got
But E eats everything

~They Might Be Giants