It's a crappy story

Damn you, break dumpers! You did it to me again! Friday, I thought it was just a fluke but today I now know you really have it out for me! What is a "break dumper" you may be asking yourself? Well, it's a man - I suppose it COULD also apply to women but since I made the term up, it applies specifically to men - who will spend his entire break or lunch period in the bathroom. Let me set the scene. I work on the top floor of a three-story office building. There are about one hundred employees on this level and only one bathroom per gender. I can't comment on the accommodations of the ladies room but inside the men's room, there are two stalls and two urinals. Get the gist of it? So, here's the lowdown on Friday. I was feeling a little queasy after lunch - when they say to keep Hot Pocket's refrigerated, I guess they really mean it! I rushed from my desk to the bathroom and when I entered, both stalls were full! One set of shoes I recognized as a claims guy who reads the paper, a known break dumper, but the one next to him was cranking out the jams! He had a new buddy! I tried to wait my turn but couldn't... I rushed back out to my desk to grab my pass (admittedly, I know I should have be wearing it at all times but I'm a rebel) then rushed to the stairs and flew to the bathroom downstairs. You know in the movies, when the bomb's timer hits zero and the camera pans away to add the element of suspense? You don't know if the hero succeeded or if everyone died in a horrible mess... my situation was kind of like that. You can wait for the DVD release to find out the ending to this tale - personally, I'd wait for the directors cut because there'll be lots of boobies! (This goes out to all the Grey's fans - I wish Meredith was blown up. She would have made some nice pink mist. Thank you.) So that was Friday, what happened today? Well, I didn't need to use the facilities. Innocently, I went in to wash my hands only to bear witness to dueling newspaper readers! I wonder, has anyone ever said - hey, do you have the first page of the sports section? I got a little tinkle on mine. Do they hand papers between the stalls? I don't get people. Also, I know you're supposed to wash your hands after you go... so, is it like a freebie to share a paper with someone else who is taking a dump and not have to worry about germs because you'll be washing anyway? Honestly, I don't have a problem with spending your break on the john. Really, I don't! I just think when company moves in next door it's time to pack it up and head out. I'm not into spending upwards of twenty minutes basking in my co-worker's aroma.. but to each they're own, I guess. Of course, I don't expect much sympathy from you ladies out there. From my years of observation, I've noticed you enjoy the group bathroom trips. I don't get any of it. One time at Wal-Mart, I had to use the bathroom. The "regular" stalls are too small and close together for my comfort so, whenever they're available, I prefer to use the "handicap" stall. Well, at least I did before this happened to me. I was finishing up and I heard a knock. "Occupied." I replied. "Uh huh." The guy outside replied and hit the stall once more before leaving. I finished up and went over to the sink to wash my hands. I glanced in the mirror and I saw a man in a wheel chair waiting by the urinals. Oh, crap!

As I was walking out, the man gave me an evil glare so I folded down a finger and said to him, "Sorry, the sign didn't specify the handicap." Then I ran the hell out of there. I think I'm going to hell.

Fin.

My room is comfortably small With rubber lining the walls And there's someone always calling my name He calls when I'm alone And he calls when I'm not home And he calls when I'm stuck out in the rain I'm insane

~They Might Be Giants